I'll Take All The Blame
by LikeOLikeH
Summary: What happens when Sara can't hide her secret anymore? Tegan and Sara. Quincest.
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys! Here's a little something I had in mind. It could be a multi-chapters story, I already know where I want this to go, just let me know if it's worth it or not!

Again, I apologize for the mistakes you might find.

Enjoy & Review :)

* * *

« I think it'd sound better if you only play the two notes at the end" Sara said to her sister when they finished the song they were working on. Tegan was staying a few weeks at Sara's apartment in Montreal; they were working on new material.

"Like this?" she asked, hitting the notes on the keyboard. Sara nodded her head and yawned then placed her guitar on the ground. "Already tired?" Tegan teased. Sara nodded again then smiled.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to go to bed" She said, stretching her muscles.

"Are you serious? It's only-" Tegan looked at the clock and her eyes widened "-oh yeah, _only _2 in the morning. I'm not even tired"

"Well, I am" Sara laughed and stood up "You better go to sleep too though, we need to finish this one tomorrow" Tegan nodded and stood up as well. Sara watched lovingly as her twin headed to the door then turned around to face her sister "Goodnight"

"Night Tee"

It's been a while now since Sara accepted her feelings for Tegan; she had a hard time doing it but eventually did. It all started when Tegan came out, she found herself looking at her sister differently, being attracted by her, even jealous of Tegan's girlfriend. It was hard for Sara to figure out what was happening but she figured it out eventually. When Tegan told her she was in love with Lindsey, Sara cried all the tears she could; she knew since then what she was going through. She was in love with her sister. That scared the shit out of her, but she finally accepted it. She didn't know what else to do; she couldn't talk to anyone about this, it would ruin her life so she tried her best to hide those feelings.

Sara went to her bathroom, brushed her teeth and turned all the lights off before going to her bedroom. She took her pants, shirt and bra off and tossed them on the floor, she grabbed a white tank top and put it on before lying in bed. She sighed and smiled to herself when memories of the day came rushing back. She thought about how wet she was when she overheard Tegan on the phone with Lindsey, who was clearly horny and Tegan was telling her all the things she'll do to her when she came home. Sara started to get wet again and decided to take care of it. She slowly slid her right hand between her thighs and began to circling her clit over her boyshort. At the same time, she massaged her breast with the other hand. She pictured all the things she wanted to do to her sister and after a few minutes, she couldn't stand the tease anymore; she slid her fingers under her underwear and placed a single digit at her entrance. She thought she was wet enough and pushed her finger all the way inside. She quickly pumped in and out and began to moan her sister's name, almost like a whisper … or at least that what she thought.

Tegan was lying in bed, not tired enough to sleep even though they worked all day. She was just looking at the ceiling above and waiting for the sleep to come. Suddenly she heard noises coming from Sara's room, which made her smile at first because she thought that her sister was touching herself, but then she heard her name, so she thought that Sara was having a nightmare. She kept hearing her name and got out of bed to go check on Sara, she wasn't tired anyway. She made the few steps to Sara's room and slowly opened the door and saw her sister on the edge of her release

"Sar-" Sara's orgasm was cut off by her sister's voice

"Tegan! What the fuck! You could've knocked! Fuck!" she jumped out of bed and landed on the floor, on the other side of the bed, where Tegan couldn't see her.

"What's wrong with you?! You're moaning my name while fucking yourself?!" Tegan snapped in disbelief. She was shocked and disgusted but also angry "You're fucking sick Sara!" she screamed before heading out of the room and walking to her own. She slammed the door and locked it before sliding her body against the wooden door down to the floor. She felt so angry at her sister. Why on earth would she do that? A million thoughts rushed into her mind but none of them was satisfying enough. Her body began to shake uncontrollably and even though she tried her best to fight back the tears forming in her eyes, they eventually felt on her hot cheeks and on the floor.

Sara didn't move. She didn't know what to do or say. She couldn't deny it; Tegan clearly saw what she was doing. She felt tears running down her cheeks and cried until she drifted off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! Thanks for reviewing and asking me to go on with this one :)

So here's chapter 2, it's short but it still kinda part of the intro. Next chapter will be longer.

Again, I apologize for the mistakes you might find.

Enjoy & Review ;)

* * *

Sara woke up on her bedroom's floor; the sun was already shinning, her body was sore from the rough night. She reached on her nightstand and grabbed her clock. It was almost noon, she sighed remembering the events of last night. She hesitated a few minutes before standing up and heading to the living room. Tegan was already awake; well, in fact she was still awake, working on some keys on the keyboard. She saw Sara on the corner of her eye.

"Morning. I made you coffee" she said, trying to act normal, even though she couldn't erase the picture of Sara orgasming and moaning her name.

"Thank you" the younger twin mumbled. She walked the few steps to the kitchen without looking at Tegan. She poured herself a cup of the hot liquid and leaned her body against the counter. Tegan stared at her and tried to put on a smile.

"I've been working on the instrumental part this morning if you want to hear it?" she asked keeping her gaze on Sara

"Yeah sure" she responded quickly. She didn't look up at Tegan, she couldn't. She felt uncomfortable around her now that she knew her deepest secret. Tegan pressed play and the music began. Sara silently finished her coffee while listening. Eventually the music ended and the elder looker at her twin questioningly, as if asking for her approval.

"Sounds great" Sara forced a smile and quickly looked away; she couldn't stand her sister's gaze, which began to irritate Tegan who tried her best to act normally.

"But?" Tegan asked

"I still think it'd sound better if you only play the two notes at the end …" she responded honestly. Tegan nodded and felt her anger growing; she kept her gaze on Sara and watched as she dropped her cup in the sink before repositioning herself against the counter and looking at her feet.

"Why won't you look at me?" Tegan snapped.

"What do you mean I won't look at you?" Sara lifted her head up

"Don't play dumb with me! You keep avoiding my eyes," Tegan was angry, she couldn't hide it anymore. She stood up and walked to Sara, pushing her sister by the shoulders "What's wrong with you? Last night you were fucking yourself screaming my name and now you can't even look at me?!" Sara's body slammed hard against the counter before she pushed her sister away causing her to fall on the ground.

"Fuck you! What don't you shut your fucking mouth?" Sara screamed which grew the older twin angrier. Tegan got on her feet and stood in front of her sister, only a few inches between their bodies.

"Is that what you want?" Tegan began to unbutton Sara's pants. Sara tried to fight back but she couldn't help the heat radiating between her thighs. Tegan insisted and cupped her sister's mound over her underwear while she pressed her other arm against Sara's throat. Eventually Sara stopped fighting back under her sister's touch and Tegan released her grip against Sara's neck. "Answer me" she demanded even though she had material proof under her fingers, Sara kept silent and Tegan insisted, she almost screamed "Answer me! Is that what you want?". Her fingers found their way inside her twin's underwear and began to circle her clit. She was already soaked and Tegan finally got her answer when Sara shyly nodded. She pressed her body against Sara's and pushed two fingers inside of her. Sara loudly moaned in pleasure and pain at the intrusion and her eyes shut close. Tegan began to thrust hard and fast. Sara wanted this so badly, she grabbed Tegan by the neck and leaned in to kiss her but Tegan turned her head so Sara's lips met Tegan's cheek. Sara then buried her head in her sister's neck in an attempt to silence her moans. Sara felt her muscles tighten and a few thrusts later she came hard, again screaming out her sister's name. She didn't have the time to catch her breath before Tegan pushed her fingers out and headed to the guest's bedroom, only to come back a few seconds later with her bag in hand and walked past Sara to the door.

"Where are you going?" Sara was shocked, but she knew that _this_ could ruin her life.

"Home" Tegan almost whispered. She turned the knob and felt Sara's hand over hers. She turned to face her sister and saw her silently crying.

"Please," Sara tried to hold her back but she didn't know what to say. She cried harder before whispering "I love you" this time, she didn't avoid Tegan's eyes; she kept looking into, looking for answers, signs, anything, but she couldn't find anything. Tegan just shook her head before getting free from Sara's grip.

"I don't know if I can do this" and with that she left, ignoring Sara screaming her name and without looking back. Sara couldn't stop crying, she collapsed on the floor with a shaking body. She thought that she just lost everything; her sister, her career, the woman she loved. What if she never comes back? She thought to herself. Her sobs were violent and soon it became hard to breathe. She managed to get on her feet and hurried to her bathroom, looked through the cabinets and found her puffer. She pressed the plastic against her lips and inhaled deeply. She couldn't control her breathing, her cries got harder and she let her body slide to the cold bathroom's floor.


	3. Chapter 3

Here's chapter 3, I hope you'll like it :)

Enjoy & Please Reviews!

The more I'll get reviews, the more I'll write! It's a deal ha!

* * *

**Sara's POV**

I woke up to the sound of the rain against the window, I slowly began to open me eyes and looked around. This wasn't my bedroom, I wasn't home and I didn't even know where I was. I didn't know how I got in there and I couldn't remember a damn thing about last night. I lazily sat up in the bed and looked down at my naked body and sighed. _Damn. _I stood up a little bit too fast and felt my head pound. "Fucking hangover" I whispered to myself. I started to search for my clothes from the floor and found my underwear and pants. I heard a door open and close and quickly put my clothes on as I heard footsteps approaching. The bedroom's door opened and a young brunette walked in, a coffee in each hand. She was probably in her mid 20's. She warmly smiled at me and greeted me as I stare blankly at her. She walked closer to me, looked down at my body and bit her bottom lip. I looked down and remembered I hadn't found my shirt yet, I felt my cheeks go hot and she smiled, handing me one of the cups.

"Coffee?" she softly asked, her hazel eyes locked on mine.

"No, thank you. Um, I'm sorry what's your name again?" I asked, my voice sounded low and unfamiliar to my own ears.

"You didn't ask last night" she chuckled " I'm Kat" she answered, still handing a cup to me and sipping on the other. I hesitantly took it as she sat on the edge of the bed. "Are you hungry?" she asked. I shook my head. _This is awkward_.

"I have to go" I said quickly and giving her back the cup walking to the door.

"Wait," she followed me as I looked for my shirt in what I supposed is the living room, "You don't remember last night" she laughed. I turned to face her and stared at her

"What's so funny about that? I woke up naked in a stranger's bed and I don't remember anything" I snapped, running a hand in my hair

"We didn't have sex last night" she said, "You were like, all horny and all but I said no because I know who you are and I respect you. I slept on the couch and I don't know why you were naked" she laughed again

"Oh," I felt embarrassed "I guess I should thank you" I said awkwardly. She smiled and shook her head. "Well, I have to go" I said, flashing a weak smile and walking to the door.

"Hey," she caught my attention and threw my shirt in my direction. I caught it and put in on before taking my jacket and turning the knob. I waved her goodbye and left, headed downstairs and pushed the doors open. The cold breeze hit my face and I sighed. The rain was pouring; I looked around and didn't recognize my surroundings. I started to walk randomly, my head was pounding and my clothes were already soaking wet.

I eventually found my way back home and entered my apartment. I walked to the bathroom and took my dripping clothes off. I looked through the cabinets and took medicine for my headache. I turned the water on and entered the shower, letting the hot water warm my body. I closed my eyes and sighed. That was my life. It became a routine now; I would wake up in someone else's bed and hangover then I'd come back home, get some sleep before heading back to the bar and find a girl who could possibly make me forget how fucked up I was. I was a mess. It has been almost 4 months since the last time I saw Tegan. I called and texted her numerous times during the first month but she never answered. I guessed she just wanted to forget that I even existed. I started to sob and let the now cold water wipe my tears away. I turned the water off and let my shaking body slide to the floor. I fucked so many girls in the past few months; I tried to get over _her_, I tried to forget the sound of her voice, her face, her smile, everything about her. I tried to replace her but nobody was good enough to even compare to her, I tried to shove those feelings down but they always came back stronger. I was killing me. I cried until I couldn't anymore. I lazily stood up and grabbed a towel. I headed to my bedroom, put some underwear and let my body fall on my queen sized bed, feeling exhausted.

I woke up to the sound of pounding on my door. I opened my eyes and got on my feet. I walked through my apartment and to my front door.

"Sara, open the door" I heard a familiar voice through the pounding behind the closed door. I sighed and slowly opened the door. My mother dropped her bags to the floor and her eyes grew wide as she looked up and down my almost naked body. "Oh my god Sara, you look horrible, you're so skinny."

"Nice to see you too mum," I said sarcastically, taking a step to the side to let her in, "Why are you here? Are you okay?" I asked worried as my mum rushed in.

"No," she started, "I was worried as hell, you wouldn't answer my phone calls, and Tegan doesn't want to tell me what the hell is going on between you two!" she sighed and stared at me.

"Well, … I've been busy" I lied.

"Tell me then, what is _so_ important to you that you let your family aside?" she asked angrily and furrowed her brows.

"Mum … " I warned

"What Sara? Look at you," she said, starting to cry, "you look like you haven't eaten in days, your place is a mess, and I don't know what to do anymore, everybody is worried about you and-" she trailed off, putting her head in her hands. I felt my heart break in my chest. I didn't know I was causing so much pain around me, I was only focused on my selfish miserable person. I closed the gap between us and hugged her tight. Even if I was in only underwear, it didn't feel awkward; it felt like the right things to do. I let her cry in my arms, asking me what happened while I hushed her and rubbed her back. After a few minutes, she calmed down a little bit and I pull away. I led her to the couch and sat down next to her. The room fell silent a few more minutes before I spoke

"I'll be right back" I informed her as I headed to my bedroom to put some clothes on. I walked back into the living room and leaned against the wall. "Do you want anything to drink? Water, tea?" I asked. She wiped her tears away and nodded her head.

"So," she started as I made her some tea "are you gonna tell me what happened?" she asked softly. I sighed and grabbed a beer in the fridge before walking back to her. I put her tea on the coffee table and opened my beer before taking a huge sip. My mum eyed me and shook her head "It's not even 3pm and you're already drinking" she whispered. I lost the notion of time a long time ago. I couldn't even remember the last time I spent a day without drinking. It usually started with a beer or wine and always ended with scotch. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"I fucked up," I confessed in a low voice "I really fucked up" she gave me a questioning look and motioned for me to continue. I felt my eyes fill with tears and put my head in my hands. I started to sob and my mother placed a comforting hand on my knee and gave it a gently squeeze. "I tried to talk to her but she didn't answer my calls," I said between sobs, "she doesn't want to see me ever again, I guess there's no band anymore." I was now hysterically crying in my hands.

"What happened honey?" she asked softly. I couldn't tell her, I had already said too much. I didn't have the energy to deal with my mum right now, I didn't have the energy to do anything right now. I just wanted to sleep.

"We got into a fight. A big one" technically, I wasn't lying "I really fucked up" I repeated before getting up. My mother stared at me eyes filled with worry and pain as I headed back to my bedroom.

"So that's it? You're giving up?" she asked. I stopped in my tracks and turned to face her.

"I couldn't even if I tried" I answered honestly

"You need to talk to her. Apologize" she began "She'll forgive you, whatever you did. You guys can't live like that and act as if you didn't know each other. Stop being so stubborn and talk. That's the only way you can get over your issues. _She's your sister, she loves you_." My mum tried to reassure me. _If only she was right_. I entered my bedroom and offered her a weak smile as a response before closing the door. I got under the covers, crawled in a ball and closed my eyes while the tears run down my pale cheeks.


	4. Chapter 4

Hi guys :) Here's chapter 4, I think this one is a little bit boring, just let me know what you think.

Enjoy & Review

* * *

**Tegan's POV**

_4 months ago_

"Hello?"

« Hi babe » I said, trying to keep my voice calm

"Hey Teegs! How you're doing? Miss me already?" I heard my girlfriend say over the phone

"Yeah, um … Can you, um," my eyes began to water, I took a deep breath and continued, "I just landed in LAX, can you pick me up?"

"What? Weren't you supposed to be in-" I cut her off before she could finish, I didn't want to deal with a million questions right now

"Yeah, well I came back" I said more harshly that I wanted to

"Tegan, are you okay?" she asked. I wiped the tears running down my face with my palm and sat on the floor as people passed by me and stared strangely at me but I just didn't care.

"I'm fine," I lied with a shaky voice even though I knew she wouldn't by it "Can you just come and we'll talk later?" I insisted.

"I'm on my way" she answered.

"Thanks" I sighed and hung up before she could say anything else. I tossed my phone in my bag and hugged my knees to my chest. I still couldn't understand what had happened with Sara. I was angry at her, why did she let me do this? I needed someone to blame and it was all her fault. She was the one to initiate it, she asked for it and she actually liked it. How could she do this to me? I always thought she was the stronger one. Things would never be the same, it couldn't; I fucked my own sister and I fucking enjoyed this.

I've been through a lot when I was younger. I've been struggling with my emotions like anyone else but I wasn't alone, Sara's always been here for me. She always knew when I needed comfort. Eventually, I began to feel safe around her, I could talk to her about anything and she would just comfort me and hold me as I cried in her arms. When I was about sixteen, I started to feel different around her, like I needed to impress her, show her that I wasn't as weak as everyone thought I was. Then she came out and I started to look at her differently, not exactly what you except from your own sister; I looked as her body change, the way she acted around girls she liked, the way _she_ looked at me. In my fucked up mind, I thought she was sending me signs. Then all of a sudden, she pushed me away. She was the only girl I truly trusted and then she rejected me. I felt miserable at that time but I got used to it as the years passed. I fought so long against myself to control those feelings; it was my sister for fuck's sakes. I needed to find something to get over those insane thoughts so I tried everything I knew that could get me out of this reality, even for just a few hours. At some points, I was almost a drug addict and it led me to do horrible things I'm not proud of. I hurt people and let them hurt me but it was the only way I found to get out of this situation and now she was the one asking for it, she was asking me to get back to that terrible time when I was finally happy. My thoughts were cut off by the sound of my phone ringing into my bag. I reached for it and looked at the name on the screen. _Sara._ I sighed and decided to let it ring. I didn't want to talk to her right now. A few seconds later, my phone rang again to inform me that I received a text message. I opened it and read the few words

_We need to talk. I'm sorry._

I sighed and turned my phone off before tossing it back into my bag. I couldn't believe her right now. What did she want to talk about? There was nothing left to say. I closed my eyes and slowly passed out.

I woke up to Lindsey shaking my exhausted body. I lazily opened my eyes and saw her stare at me, her eyes were filled with worry.

"Are you okay?" she asked as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I didn't know how long I slept but my body was sore from sleeping on the airport's floor. I slowly nodded my head, realizing that I couldn't tell her the truth. Technically I had cheated on her, with my own twin of all the people. I felt tears forming in my eyes and quickly blinked them away; I couldn't let her see how I was feeling.

"Babe, what happened?" she asked as she cupped my jaw. I took her hand in mine and put on a smile.

"We got into a fight"

"Why?" she asked softly. I could see that she was trying to help but I just couldn't be honest with her. How could you possibly tell your girlfriend that you cheated on her with your twin without her breaking down? I didn't even want to try. I shook my head and started to stand up.

"I'll tell you later. Can we just go home?" I wasn't planning on telling her anytime soon. She hesitantly nodded her head and we started to walk towards the exit. We both stayed silent as we walked. I looked around as we passed by the restroom and sighed as I thought about how my life just changed in a couple of hours. I needed to convince myself that everything I've built and everything I've felt or thought I've felt, I wasn't faking it. Without a word, I grabbed Lindsey's hand and pushed the door open; I led us to a stall at the back and locked the door, ignoring her questions and protests. I dropped my bag to the floor and pressed her body against the wall.

"Tegan what are you do-" I stopped her as I captured her lips with my own and slid my tongue against her bottom lip. She lightly parted her lips and pushed my body closer to hers. She moaned in my mouth while I massaged her breast with one hand and unbuttoned her jeans with the other. I pulled away from the kiss and locked my eyes on her pleading ones. I slowly kneeled in front of her and slid her pants and panties to her ankles while I kissed along her thighs. I grabbed one of her leg and placed it over my shoulder and on the toilet seat; giving me a full view of most intimate part. I lifted my head up and watched as Lindsey looked down at me. She brought her hand to my face and traced my lips with her thumb. She gasped when my lips touched her swollen clit before I parted them and sucked on it. Her moans and her ragged breath were the only sound filling the room. I slowly got to my feet and kissed her, letting her taste herself in my mouth. My fingers found their way between her legs and I pushed two of them inside of her; I pumped in and out of her and slowly quickened my pace. I felt her walls start to clench and felt her cum on my fingers as she silently screamed my name. After a few more minutes passed, she finally caught her breath and opened her eyes. She shyly smiled and then kissed me passionately before I pulled away. She pulled me closer by my belt and started to unbuckle it. I gently grabbed her wrist and shook my head no. She gave me a questioning look and I tried to reassure her

"We better get going" I smiled weakly. Truth is, I didn't want her to touch me. I needed time to figure things out. It wasn't what I had expected, it didn't feel the same; of course it turned me on but not as much as it did when I felt Sara's cum on my hand, it didn't feel as right.

* * *

_4 months later_

I angrily tossed my laptop across the room and went for a walk to calm my nerves. It seemed like she did anything she could to piss me off. How could she be so selfish? I got a text message from a friend a few weeks ago asking me what was happening with Sara, when I asked her what she was talking about, she told me to check out some fans blogs and that's when I found out. She totally lost her mind; apparently she had sex with god knows how many girls and a few of them talked about it on the internet, telling the whole fucking world how _awesome and unforgettable_ it was. What was she thinking about? She already ruined my relationship and now she wanted to ruin my career? Lindsey left a few weeks ago because of her. My mum came back from Montreal a few days ago, she told me to talk with Sara because she wouldn't say anything to her. She was so hopeless. I didn't say my mum about the blogs, she was worried enough about Sara and I. I didn't even tell her about Lindsey. Sara fucked up my mind and I was the one paying for it. My girlfriend dumped me, telling me that I wasn't the same anymore and that I was so distant, because I didn't want to be intimate with her anymore. There was no way I could let her fuck with my life anymore. I needed to do something.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sara's POV**

I slowly got up from my bed looked at the clock on my nightstand. _6:24pm. _I walked towards my kitchen and opened the cabinets; I grabbed the cereal box and placed it on the counter. Hopefully, my mum did some grocery shopping before she left. She also helped me clean up my apartment but it was already a mess. I looked through the fridge and grabbed the milk. I didn't remember the last time I ate, well in fact I didn't remember a lot. I took my food and headed to the living room, I sat on the couch, turned the TV on and ate my cereal as I watched shit playing on the screen. When I finished I placed the bowl on the floor and headed to the bathroom. I stopped in front of the mirror and took a moment to look at myself. I sighed, my mum was right, I looked horrible. I shrugged it off and turned the water on, letting the tub fill while I went to grab the bottle of scotch. I took my clothes off and hopped in the tub. I let the hot water relax my body and grabbed the glass I poured.

When I finished preparing myself, I lazily hung out in my apartment, doing nothing but waiting for time to pass. When it was around 11pm, I went to a place that is now too familiar. I pushed the door open and headed to the bar. While I was finishing my third beer, I saw a brunette approaching and smiled to myself. She sat on the stool next to me and smiled.

"You're Sara Quin, right?" she yelled over the music. _Here we go again ._I bit my lips and nodded. She smiled even bigger and bought me another beer.

"Are you alone?" she asked as she looked around.

"Not anymore" I looked her up and down and smiled, her face reminded me of Tegan. _Great_. Her arms were even covered with similar tattoos. "How old are you?" I asked

"How old do you think I am?" she answered playfully raising her brows

"Well, I hope you're not underage" I said suggestively. She flashed me a grin and shook her head before lying that she was 26. I bet she was 22 or 23. I didn't care though, I didn't ask her name but she told me anyway. We flirted at the bar for almost half an hour before I followed her outside. She lighted a cigarette and looked up at the sky while she exhaled the smoke. Her neck wasn't as appealing as Tegan's but I took this as an opportunity anyway. I closed the gap between our bodies and she looked down at me, bit her bottom lip and leaned in for a kiss. We made out outside the bar like teenagers for a few minutes before I pulled away. She smiled and broke the silence

"Do you live close?" she asked.

"I'd rather go to your place" I answered even if I lived two blocks away from here. I didn't want to bring home some girl I picked up at the bar.

I woke up the next morning with a fucking headache as usual. The brunette was straddling my waist and kissing my neck. She mumbled a good morning in my neck as I sat up. I groaned as a response and she laughed.

"Hangover?" she asked. I nodded and she stood up, leaving the room. I watched her naked form as she left and I quickly got on my feet and collected my clothes from the floor. I started to get dress when she came back with a glass of water and pills.

"Oh," she began "you're leaving already?" she sounded disappointed. I just didn't give a damn. I nodded and finished to put my clothes on.

"So that was all true" she stated and my ears perked up. What the hell was she talking about?

"What do you mean?" I furrowed my brows at her.

"The rumors about you" she said as she sat on the bed and placed the water and pills on her nightstand right next to a camera.

"What rumors? And what is that camera for? Did you videotape us?" I asked in disbelief raising my voice. I was totally wasted last night; I couldn't even remember a thing.

"Well, they said that you're, like you-" she trailed off and looked away from me. I walked closer to her and grabbed the camera. There was no card in it. I sighed. "You fuck then you go, not even saying goodbye"

"What? Who said that?" my head was pounding, I wasn't in a state to deal with this shit. She grabbed her laptop from her desk and a few seconds later, turned the screen in my direction. I read a few lines and shrugged my shoulders. "Who cares anyway, nobody would ever believe this shit" I whispered more to myself than anyone else. She glanced at me and shut her laptop. She stood up then suddenly felt self-conscious and she grabbed the blanket from the bed and covered her bare body. "What about the camera?" I asked. She shook her head and sighed

"You saw it, there's no card" I nodded and started to walk towards the door. I had no choice but to believe her. "Wait," she walked to me "are you sure you don't want go for a coffee or something?" she asked hopeful

"I'm sorry, I have some errands to run" I lied.

"Okay. Bye" she said with disappointment written all over her face. I don't know why, but she made me feel guilty. Maybe it was time to slow it down a little bit, get myself together and start to live again.

I walked out of her building and looked around. I smiled to myself when I recognized my surroundings. I entered a small coffee shop on the corner and sat at a table. I looked around for a clock and saw that it was almost 2pm. I ordered a coffee and took my sweet time to drink it. I started thinking about how it would be now if Tegan didn't find out, about how we would probably be recording new stuffs now. I sighed, I missed it, I missed the music, and I missed her. I didn't ask about Tegan when my mum came over, I acted as if I didn't care, even if she's been on my mind for the last few months. It's been a while now since the last time I tried to call her, but she hasn't tried either. For a few seconds, my mind wondered if she too was living a hell, if she missed me, if she ever thought about me but I quickly shook those thoughts away. She was probably acting as if nothing ever happened, as if I never even existed, having fun with Lindsey while I was a mess trying to get over her. This is maybe what I needed, a relationship. Someone who would help me get through this. Perhaps I needed to stop to compare every woman to her because they'd never be enough. I would never find someone like her, she is just wonderful. I exhaled loudly at the thought. I finished my now cold coffee and stood up.

I opened my building's door and walked in. I waited for the elevator and stepped in as its door finally opened. I pressed the button to the last floor and waited. I walked towards my door and slowed my pace when I saw someone sitting in front of it, head in the knees. Then I froze.

"Tegan?" I whispered, tears already forming in my eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sara's POV**

"Tegan?" I whispered, tears already forming in my eyes. She lifted her head up and sighed, not even smiling

"Where the fuck were you? I've been waiting here like an idiot for fucking ever! I tried to call you but I heard you phone ring inside." she said as she stood up. I couldn't help but smile, even if there wasn't any hint of joy in her tone. She looked so beautiful. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. "Are you just gonna stare at me or do you plan on opening this door anytime soon?" I quickly looked away and made the few steps left to the door; I opened it and let her in first. She took a look around and then turned to face me as I closed the door. "Mum was right, this place is a mess" she stated.

"I've been busy lately" I said in a low voice looking everywhere except at her.

"Oh yeah, I heard about that," she started sarcastically "like fucking every girl you met?" this is not exactly how I expected this reunion to be. I looked at her surprised "This is on the internet Sara!" she said harshly. I almost forgot how my name sounded in her mouth. I nervously looked at me feet when I heard her scream at me "What the fuck were you thinking?!" I didn't have the strength to get in a fight; I was weak emotionally and physically.

"Is that why you're here?" I regretted the words as soon as they came out, afraid that she might leave again. She glanced at me sternly and walked towards the door. _Fuck._ "Wait!" I said, grabbing her arm as she passed by me. Her eyes grew wide when she looked at my grip. I quickly let go of her, took a step back and watched as she opened the door. I felt the tears run down my cheeks and I could've felt my heart broke in my chest if it wasn't already broken. She turned to look at me up and down.

"I wouldn't be here if we weren't still under contract with our label. Get yourself together, I'll be back tomorrow" she said before closing the door. She'll come back tomorrow, even if it's just for work, she's not leaving. Maybe we would work things out, and started to feel comfortable around each other again. Maybe we would be sisters again. I smiled to myself at the thoughts and closed my eyes. How could I've let this happen? I should've been more careful. I sighed and opened my eyes, I really needed to start cleaning but I didn't know where to begin.

I've finished cleaning and just hopped out of the shower. I headed to my bedroom and opened my closet; I grabbed a boyshort, matching bra, a wife beater and put them on. I heard my stomach growl and walked to the kitchen; I looked through the fridge and took a beer. I grabbed my phone, turned it on, ignored the missed calls and called to order some food. I plopped down the couch and turned the TV on, not really paying attention and waited patiently for my food to arrive. After about 30 minutes, I finally heard a knock on my front door. I quickly stood up and looked down at my bare legs but shrugged it off. I grabbed my wallet opened the door. My eyes grew wide as Tegan stormed in.

"We need to talk" she said as I eyes her pace back and forth the living room

"Um, o-okay," I managed to say. Tegan sat on the couch and took a big sip from my beer.

"Just this once, then we'll forget about all of it" she informed. _Oh, now you want to talk, _I thought. I nodded my head and sat on the seat across from her and waited. "Well, go ahead then! You caused all of this" she said harshly while she finished my beer.

"Hey! I'm not the one who fucked my sister then ran away" I responded in the same tone as hers. She obviously wasn't expecting that

"I'm not the one who said that I loved you!" she snapped back. We both fell silent after that, avoiding the other's gaze. We stayed silent for a few more minutes before I couldn't take it anymore.

"Do you?" I almost whispered. She put her head in her hands and sighed.

"This is not the point Sar," she mumbled "this is wrong."

"This is not what you were thinking when you were fucking me" I said as I stood up and headed to my door. Tegan followed suit and grabbed me by the arm and slammed my body against the wall.

"How the fuck could you possibly know what I was thinking?!" Our bodies were almost touching and the only thing I wanted to do was to kiss her.

"Tell me then" I pleaded. I could feel her hot breath on my skin and felt my body melted under her touch, we locked our gaze on each other's and stayed in this position for a few seconds. When she was about to open her mouth, she jumped back when we heard a knock on the front door. I instantly missed her body close to mine. I stare at her as she looked me up and down and looked away when she realized I wasn't wearing any pants. My breath was ragged and I couldn't help but smirk when I saw her blushing. I headed to the front door when I heard the knock again and opened it. I grabbed the food, paid the guy and closed the door. Tegan was still standing in the hall, looking at the ceiling. I put the pizza on the coffee table and plopped down on the couch.

"Are you hungry?" I asked softly. She didn't respond but sat next to me on the couch and grabbed a slice of pizza. She turned the TV on and totally ignored me. When we finished eating, I got up from my spot on the couch and headed to the kitchen to take another drink. "Want a beer?" I politely asked. Again she didn't respond. I sighed and grabbed her one anyway. I sat back down on the couch and handed her the bottle. She took it without a word and kept ignoring me. We silently watched TV but I couldn't even pay attention on what was going on on the screen. This little game of ignoring each other was more than awkward in this situation. I didn't even know if she was giving me the silence treatment or if she just didn't know what to say. Eventually, I got tired of it and broke the silence. "What's wrong with you? You came in here in the middle of the night because you wanted to talk and now you can't even say a word?" She shifted uncomfortably in her seat and kept her eyes on the TV screen. She was clearly playing with my nerves. "Fuck! You know what? I'm tired of your shit," I said as I stood up and headed to my bedroom. "Make sure you lock the door when you leave" I called out before closing my bedroom's door. I crawled into bed and closed my eyes. How the hell were we supposed to work together like this? She couldn't even look at me; I didn't know what else to do, I already apologized a hundred times. What else could I do if she wouldn't talk to me? I sighed and waited for the sleep to come while I listened to my sister sobbing in the other room.

My eyes shut open when I heard my bedroom's door open and close. The sound of footsteps approaching my bed made me panic, my heartbeat quickened and it became hard to breathe. My mind screamed at me to run away but I couldn't move. My body tensed even more when I felt the mattress sink under the extra weight but the fear quickly faded away when I heard Tegan's voice say my name.

"Sar, I'm so sorry" she whispered while she slid her hand on my waist. The smell of alcohol filled the room as she spoke. She pressed her body against my back. I turned around to face her when she started to kiss my neck.

"Tegan, what are you-" she pressed her fingers against my lips to stop me

"Shh" she said as I felt her hand travel around my stomach. She then proceeded to slide her hand under my clothes and removed her finger from my mouth. She slowly got on top of me and buried her head in my neck. "Touch me" she ordered.

"Tegan, you're drunk" I stated. This was not how I wanted it to be, I didn't want to be a drunken fuck. I tried to push her away but she took hold of my wrists and pinned my hands above my head. She started to grind against me as she ravished my neck. I couldn't help the moans that escaped from my mouth but it turned me on as hell and I could already feel myself get wet. Tegan let go of my wrists and lifted her body up just enough to get rid of all my clothes. I quickly flipped us over so I was on top and leaned in to kiss her. Again, she turned her head and my lips met her cheek. "You want to fuck me but you don't want to kiss me?" I asked shocked.

"Stop talking" she said and in a quick movement she was on top of me. She took her shirt and bra off while I was unbuckling her belt. Soon we were both naked and grinding our hips in sync against each other as she bit and sucked on my neck. She grabbed my hand and placed it between her legs. "Touch me" she demanded again. This time I didn't argue and began to circle her clit. She guided my hand to her entrance and I took the hint; I gently push two fingers inside of her and started to pump in and out when she let go of my hand. "Fuck Sar, harder" she moaned as she grinded her hips against my hand. I obeyed and felt her walls clenched around my fingers. She bit so hard on my shoulder that I could feel the skin crack under her teeth and a low moan escaped her throat as I slowed my thrusts to a stop. She collapsed on top of me and buried her head in my neck as I slowly pulled my fingers out. When she caught her breath, she slowly got up. I sighed as I watched her get dressed. I didn't want her to leave but I didn't try to stop her. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry this time but I miserably failed as soon as she closed the door, without a word.


	7. Chapter 7

This one's pretty short but I hope you'll like it anyways. Let me know if there's something you'd like me to add in the story!

Enjoy & Please review, it really motivates me to write more!

* * *

**Sara's POV**

It's been five days since the little incident with Tegan. We didn't talk about it, even if I tried. To my surprise, she showed up the next morning and when I asked her what had happened the night before, she told me that she drank the six packs of beer I had left in my kitchen, which she did, and that she didn't even know how she ended up in her hotel's bed. I didn't know if she was lying or not but I let it pass because I didn't want her to freak out then run away.

We finally finished the song we were working on the last time she came over and let's be honest; it was fucking hard, I didn't even touched a guitar in months. I couldn't wait to be in the studio again, I missed all of this. I've almost forgotten how awesome it was to work with my sister. It wasn't as awesome as it was before but it was all I could get for now and I was grateful for that. Eventually, things started to get better. It was still odd but she would sometimes flashed me a grin that would make my heart melt or she would even make a joke that would make the both of us laugh. It wasn't the same as before but it was certainly better to have that than nothing. I missed the old times though, I missed my sister. I didn't know if she would ever be comfortable around me again but I tried my best, I was careful not to touch her accidently or stare at her if she could catch me.

We've been working all day and I was growing tired of it so when I heard Tegan's stomach growl, I took this as an opportunity to impose a much needed break. "Hungry?" I asked. I saw her frantically nod as she looked up at me.

"Yeah but I'm not in the mood for fast food," she grimaced "and I don't really want to go out either" she added

"Well, get your lazy ass off the couch and start to cook then" I said playfully

"I'd rather have you cook for me" she responded in the same as mine. I laughed and shook my head

"Only if you help me" I offered. She smiled and stood up. She followed me in the kitchen and leaned her body against the counter as she watched me grab the ingredients to do some pasta. "Well, instead of standing and doing nothing, why don't you grab a pan in the cabinet above your head?"

I finished cooking; Tegan didn't do anything, she just stared at me the whole time, and set the plates on the table. We ate our plate in silence, I occasionally glanced at her but stopped when she caught me the third time. Once we were done, Tegan took the plates and put them in the sink. I headed to the living room and plopped down on the couch, turning the TV on.

"Sar, come here" I heard Tegan call out from the kitchen

"Yeah I'm coming" I yelled back as I lazily stood up

"That's what she said" she giggled. Usually, I would have laugh but I didn't, I felt my cheeks grow hot as I entered the kitchen. Tegan looked at me and noticed the change in my mood. She started to blush too and smiled. "I can't find the beers" she managed to say as she looked down to her feet. She looked so fucking hot when she was embarrassed. I quickly chase that thought away and grabbed two bottles of beer from behind the bridge. I handed her one with a smirk on my face and headed back to my spot on the couch. Tegan sat next to me on the couch and broke the awkward silence filling the room. "Do you mind if I spend the night here? I'm too tired to go back now" she asked softly. I almost spat my beer and put on a straight face before turning to face her.

"Yeah sure, I mean, I don't mind at all" I couldn't help the smile forming on my lips. _That's it_ I said to myself _we finally could be sisters again._ Or at least, that's what I thought at the time.

**Tegan's POV**

I was really tired, but I could have just called a cab if I wanted to go back to the hotel but I didn't. I wanted to spend time with Sara; I wanted things to go back to normal but it wasn't as easy as I thought. When I came to Montreal, I told myself that I wouldn't be weak, that I wouldn't allow my emotions to take over. I failed. I let them control me and I found myself in her bed. I didn't regret it though, it was amazing, but it couldn't happen again. We couldn't be together and it killed me. I could never tell her how much I love her, how much I'd love to wake up next to her every morning. I didn't want to give her hope if it would never happen.


	8. Chapter 8

**Sara's POV**

_7 months later_

« Babe, wake up " she said as she kissed my shoulder. I groaned and buried my head in my pillow; I wasn't ready to wake up yet. "Wake up, we need to leave soon" she repeated kissing the exposed skin on my neck. We were supposed to record the vocals for our new album today. She slowly situated herself between my legs and I felt her hands caress my bare chest. I smiled at her, grabbed her by her hips and pulled her closer to me as I captured her lips with mines. Quickly, the kiss deepened and I caught myself moaning in her mouth and unconsciously grinding my hips against her. She pulled away from the kiss and lowered her body until her face was between my thighs. I whimpered as she kissed my inner thighs and placed a single kiss on my clit before getting up chuckling.

"Please, Stacy, you can't leave me like this" I pleaded, out of breath.

"Now you're awake so get up" I stared at my girlfriend in disbelief as she headed to the bathroom.

"You sadistic sure know how to wake me up" I called out before getting up.

When we were finally ready, we called a cab and headed to the studio. I was excited about the new record, I loved all the demos Tegan and I wrote together. We really worked hard for it and it brought a lot of memories to my mind, some of them were really good and some of them, well, weren't that good. I remembered Tegan and I got into a small fight when I showed her the lyrics from a song I wrote mostly about her. She was pretty reluctant about it but eventually I convinced her. Things were really better with her though, we totally acted as if nothing ever happened and it was working for now. Even if I was dating Stacy, I couldn't pretend to be in love with her; this kind of love didn't belong to me anymore, Tegan owned this part of my heart.

The cab stopped in front of the studio and I saw Tegan standing outside. She smiled when she saw me getting out of the cab but as soon as Stacy got out, her smile faded away. They didn't get along really well; Stacy tried but Tegan told me that she didn't trust her. Whenever my girlfriend was around, Tegan's mood would change and she would just stop talking or she would get bitchy. I was happy with Stacy and it made me sad that my own twin couldn't bear her.

It was already 11pm and we decided to call it a day. We recorded the vocals for two of the new songs today. Tegan barely talked to me. I caught her playing at frogger. She didn't even lift her head when I approached her and sat across from her before joining in the game. "So," she started, I almost jumped at the sound of her voice and a smile formed on my face

"Now that she left you talk" I said playfully. She looked up at me and smiled shyly. "Don't you feel a little bit ridiculous about that?" I asked in the same tone.

"No, but I would feel ridiculous if I was as bad as you at frogger" she joked. She didn't want to talk about Stacy now so I let it pass. Maybe it wasn't a good time. We played in silence a few more minutes before she broke the silence. "Today's been rough so we're heading to the bar to chill out when the boys are ready to go. Do you want to join?" I smiled weakly and shook my head.

"No, I'm just going to go home, Stacy is leaving tomorrow in the morning so …" I trailed off, not knowing how to finish my sentence. I wasn't planning on telling my twin sister how I planned to fuck my girlfriend the whole night.

"Yeah, whatever" she said as she stood up. She left the room without another word and I sighed. I didn't know why she was acting like that. Every time I'd bring Stacy in the conversation, she'd change the subject or she would just ignore me. She didn't want to have a real conversation with me anymore, she didn't even tell me when Lindsey left; my mom told me before we started the recording process.

I unlocked the door of the house I rented during the recording and found Stacy lying on the couch. I guessed she fell asleep waiting for me. I smiled at the sight and made the few steps toward the couch. I climbed on top of my girlfriend and straddled her waist; she stirred in her sleep but kept her eyes closed. I hovered my face over hers and kissed her lips until I heard her moan in my mouth. I slowly pulled away and smiled as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

"How was your day?" she whispered

"Rough." I sighed "Are you done packing?" she nodded her head then leaned in to kiss me. "So you're all mine tonight?" I asked in a suggestive tone while I started to take her t-shirt off. Again she nodded and pushed my body closer to her. I kissed her neck and started to unhook her bra when I felt my phone ring into my pocket, I decided to just ignore it but as soon as the ringing ended, it started again. I heard Stacy sigh and smiled at her apologetically as I reached into my pocket and pulled my phone out. I saw my sister's name on the screen and got up from Stacy's lap before answering.

"Hello?" The other sounds that came from the other end of the line were Tegan's sobs. "Tegan, what's wrong?" I asked worriedly

"Sar, I … I-" she took a deep shaky breath before continuing "Can you come over?" she asked crying

"Tee, what's wrong?" I repeated "Where are you?" I could feel my pulse in my neck and my heartbeat fastened as the seconds passed.

"Home." Then I heard the beep that informed me that the call ended. I looked at my phone in fear and ignored Stacy questions as I hurried to the door. The next thing I know is that I was in front of Tegan's door, my whole body shaking in fear and out of breath. I quickly made my way upstairs and took a deep breath before opening the bedroom's door.

"Tegan?" I whispered as I stepped in the darkness. My hand found the switch on the wall and I turned the light on. Tegan was crawled up in a ball on the queen size bed. I sat on the bed and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong, Tee?" She lifted her head up and looked me up and down through her red and puffy eyes.

"I don't think I can handle it," she exhaled loudly before adding "I can't take it" I soothed small circles on her back and waited for her to continue. When I realized she wasn't going to say anything else, I broke the silence

"What are you talking about Tee? What happened?" I asked softly. She sat up and took my hand in hers.

"Can you just lay with me and hold me?" It was odd from Tegan but it made my heart melt. I spend the night there, with my sister in my arms. We didn't talk, I just listened to her breathing; in some weird way it was comforting and I enjoyed every second of this. It was the closest we had been in months. I didn't know why she was crying but I hopped that me being there could comfort her as much as her presence comfort me. When Tegan fell asleep, the thought of calling my girlfriend and telling her that I would be home soon crossed my mind. But when Tegan turned over in her sleep and buried her face into my neck, the thought of Stacy completely disappeared from my mind and I fell asleep in the warm of my sister's embrace.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sara's POV**

My eyes shut open when I heard my phone ring, I reached into my pocket and grabbed it; I looked at the screen and saw a few missed calls from Stacy and a voice message. I sighed as I listened to my lover's voice

_Hi babe, it's me, um … I just wanted to say bye since you weren't there this morning. I hope everything's okay though. Call me. Bye, love you._

The sadness in her voice made me feel guilty. I didn't realize how selfish it was when I took the decision to stay with Tegan even though I knew I wouldn't be able to make it home before Stacy would have to leave. She clearly deserved better than me. She deserved someone who would love her no matter what, someone who would make love to her without thinking about her own sister. Someone who would fall in love with her for whom she is, and not love her for what she represented. I felt safe with Stacy, I felt _sane_. Without knowing it, she helped me a lot; she saved me from my own misery. When I first met her 3 months ago, I thought she would be just like the others girls I had sex with, but there was something different about her. She was nice to me; she held me at night when I was crying over Tegan and she never asked me why. She helped me get myself together, step by step. And _now_ I was the one hurting this woman who cared so much about me. I sighed and stretched my body in the empty bed and slowly got up. When I reached the kitchen, I saw Tegan sitting at the table and eating breakfast.

"Hi" she said, her mouth full and smiling

"Gross" I joked as I sat on the stool across from her. "What happened last night?" I sighed

"I don't want to talk about it" she answered harshly.

"Are you serious?" I asked in disbelief "I mean, Stacy left this morning and I didn't have the time to say bye because I was here" I didn't know why I said this but I did. It wasn't Tegan's fault, it was all mine.

"I didn't force you to stay; you could have left if you really wanted to" she shrugged her shoulders and continued to eat as if it wasn't that big of a deal but she had a point there. _I_ wanted to stay. I eyed her for a few seconds before standing up.

"I'm gonna go back home and shower before we need to head to the studio." I said as I grabbed my phone and dialed Stacy's number. She looked over at the clock and nodded her head.

"See you later" she called out as I opened the front door and waited for Stacy to answer her phone.

**Tegan's POV**

I smiled when I heard the front door open and close. I spend the night in Sara's arms and it was by far the most restful sleep I've had in months. I didn't want her to spend the night with her _girlfriend_, I didn't even know why she asked her to come in the first place but most of all, I didn't understand why she was dating her at all; she had nothing special. At least, she was gone now. I smiled at the thought and got up. It was almost 9 and we needed to be in the studio at 10:30. I took a shower when Sara was still asleep so I had nothing to do. I grabbed my jacket and headed to the door. Once I made sure it was locked, I went for a walk; it always has been one of my favorites way to relax since my teen years. Just walk randomly and think. This is what I needed right now, to think. When Sara introduced Stacy as her girlfriend, I felt sick to my stomach. I first thought that it was because I was jealous that Sara was in a relationship and that I wasn't. She had someone to keep her warm at night, someone to love and that I hadn't any of that. Then I realized I was just jealous of her. She had someone that I could never have; she had _my_ Sara. At this point I felt content though, I felt like I've won this battle; Sara spend the night with me even though she knew Stacy was leaving in the earlier morning. Sara would always choose me first.

I didn't know where I was going but I found myself in front of Sara's door. My thoughts led me here. I hesitated a few seconds before placing my hand on the knob; I closed my eyes and turned it. Nothing happened. Of course she locked the door, it's Sara; what was I thinking? I turned on my heels and started to walk when I heard the door open. I stopped in my tracks and turned around. I smiled weakly and Sara eyed me curiously.

"Are you okay?" she furrowed her brows

I surprised myself when something came out from my mouth. "Yeah, I was just wondering if you wanted to walk with me to the studio?"

"Yeah sure." She answered enthusiastically "I just need to take a shower real quick" I smiled and nodded my head. "Suit yourself, I'll be right back" she said as I plopped down on the leather couch. There was no TV in sight so I just had to wait for Sara to finish. After a few minutes, I got up from the couch and headed to the bedroom. I jumped on the bed and turned my head to face the bathroom's door. A few seconds later, Sara opened the door and stepped in the bedroom. My eyes grew wide and my jaw dropped open. She was bare chest, her towel only covering her lower body. She caught sight of me on her bed and literally froze in her spot. She locked her gaze on mine and her cheeks reddened. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I watched her as she looked down at her body and stepped back in the bathroom, closing the door. "You could have told me you were in there" she shouted from the other side of the door. I couldn't force myself to make a sentence; I couldn't take that picture of Sara off my mind. I just sat there, staring at the bathroom's door, processing what had just happened. Eventually she stepped back in, fully dressed. She wouldn't look at me and headed straight to the door. I stopped her before she could open it, and turned her body around. "What the fuck?!" she almost yelled. I didn't respond and pressed my body against her. Her breathing fastened and her eyes widened. I didn't know what I was doing. I felt like I had lost any sense of control over my own body. I couldn't even open my mouth to speak. I stared helplessly as my hand unbuttoned her jeans. I watched her as she closed her eyes and shook her head. All the control I've just lost came back to me when she pushed me away and screamed "Fuck you! You can't just play with me just because you need to get laid. I'm not your fucking toy! I fucking love you!"

"I'm not playing" I whispered and looked at my feet. I could feel her searching for my face

"Why are you doing this?" her voice was now calm and soft. I felt the first tears running down my cheeks as I realized the only option I had. I couldn't lie to her, but I couldn't be honest either.

"I don't know" I whispered again. I couldn't tell her that I loved her. It was not an option. I heard her sigh then open the door

"See you in the studio" she said before leaving.

**Sara's POV**

We decided to all go outside for lunch when I'd finish recording my vocals parts. We were sitting at a booth in the corner and have just ordered our food. I took a look around and saw everybody already deep in their conversation; I got up from my seat and headed to the bathroom. I took the stall in the far end and did what I had to do. I washed my hands and opened the door. Tegan was leaning against the wall, arms crossed over her chest. I sighed and looked away when she looked in my direction. I didn't want to deal with her right now. I already had enough for the day. I headed to the door but she grabbed me by the collar of my shirt when I passed by her. She pushed my body against the opposite wall. I was too shocked I didn't even fight back. I didn't even move when she let go of my shirt. I closed my eyes in anticipation when I saw her raise her hand. I gasped when I felt her soft hand caress my cheek instead of the pain I was expecting. I slowly opened my eyes when I felt her hot breath on my face.

"What are you do-" she cut me off with her lips. It wasn't sexual at all; there were no tongues, only our lips moving in sync. It wasn't like any kiss I've experienced before. It was simple yet so intense as if she poured all of her emotions in it. I felt like this is what I always wanted. She slowly pulled away and pressed her forehead against mine.

"I fucking love you too" she whispered before leaving me there, alone with my confusion.


	10. Chapter 10

Here's another short one!

Enjoy & Please Review ;)

* * *

**Sara's POV **

When I came back from the bathroom, I noticed that nothing had changed. Everybody was talking and laughing. Even Tegan was laughing along with Ted. She flashed me a shy smile when I sat down and she went on her conversation. They didn't know what had happened. They didn't know that I wasn't really there. It only took a few minutes for her to short circuit my brain; and my inner monologue wasn't helping at all. I thought that maybe she was just joking, or maybe she didn't mean what she said, she just wanted to see my reaction. I barely talk during lunch; I couldn't focus on what was going on at the table, only on what was going on inside of me.

I managed to do what I needed to do in the studio throughout the day. Tegan seemed to be avoiding me. It made no sense to me. Why would she do that? She didn't even try to call or text me. It was already 11 pm and we left the studio around 9. I thought she would at least try to explain herself. At this point I was even more confused. Why would she act like this if she loved me?

I sighed and put my plate in the sink. I plopped down on the couch and picked up the book I was reading before my stomach interrupted me. I only read two more pages before I heard my phone ring in my pocket. I quickly reached for it, hopping it was Tegan, and looked at the screen. _Stacy's calling._ I exhale loudly and put the phone on the coffee table; I wasn't in the mood for whatever _she_ wanted to tell me. I figured I wouldn't be in the mood for anything until I'd talk to Tegan so I grabbed my jacket, made sure the door was locked and hailed a cab.

The cab stopped in front of Tegan's house. I handed money to the driver and got out, telling him to keep the change. I made the few steps to the front door and knocked. A few seconds later, Tegan opened the door. She was only wearing a bra and matching underwear. She didn't seem surprised to see me, but she seemed annoyed though. "Oh … Is it a bad time?"

"Depends" she answered

"Do yo- Can we talk?" I asked shyly. She left the door open and headed back to the living room without answering. I took it as a yes and followed her. She sat on the couch and patted the space next to her. I sat down and turned the TV off. "So …" I sighed. She was making me uncomfortable, sitting so close to me, almost naked. It was a bit distracting.

"So?" she repeated in a questioning tone.

"What does it mean?"

"What are you talking ab-" I cut her off. I didn't need her to play the innocent card right now.

"Seriously? Tegan? Why are you doing this to me? You can't just tell me that you love me and then avoid me the all day. You can't tell me that you love me and then act as if it wasn't a big deal because it is. It is a big deal. I already told you, I'm not your fucking toy! You can't just play with my feelings like that" I scoffed at her. I put my head in my hands and waited for her reaction. I felt her squeeze my knee and then she got up and left. Of course she would run away, what was I expecting? I held back my tears and let out a long shaky breath.

I was wrong. She came back a few minutes later and took my hands in hers. She helped me get up and led me upstairs and to the bathroom. She took my clothes off and helped me get in the tub. The hot water instantly relaxed my whole body and, to my surprise, she joined me in. It took me at least ten minutes to come back to my senses and finally open my mouth. When I was about to ask her tons of questions, she softly kissed my shoulder and started to play with my hair

" I do love you, Sar. I guess I always did." She sighed. I could tell she started silently crying. "I don't know where to begin" she whispered.

"Take your time Tee" I responded as I took her hand in mine. I didn't want to ever let go.


	11. Chapter 11

Here's next chapter! Hope you'll like it :) Let me know what you think, feedback are always welcome! I'm actually working on the next chapter and I'm 100% positive I would write faster and better if you guys review. Reviews are like the greatest motivation ever!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Sara's POV**

When we got out of the tub, we were both crying. Tegan led us to the bed and we laid silently for hours, holding each other. The only sounds that were filling the room were the occasional sobs that escaped our throats. I couldn't believe what had happened to her. She never told me about it until now and I couldn't stop thinking that it was my entire fault. She did it because she wanted to stop feeling. She wanted to stop thinking. She wanted to be anyone else; she didn't to be that girl who was in love with her twin sister anymore. She told me that I freaked her out when I told her that I loved her; she said that she always thought that she was alone in this. I could have avoided all of this, I could have just told her how I was feeling and she wouldn't have thought that she was sick. Just the thought of it made me sick to my stomach. _I could have avoided all of this pain._ I knew that she did drugs before, I mean, I was there. We went to a lot of raves and stuff when we were younger and we were often drunk or high or even both, but it was just for the fun. I'd never imagined that she would do drugs for any other reasons, especially because of me. She wanted to forget everything that reminded her of me. And I'd certainly never imagined that she would sell her body for drugs, because of me.

I sighed shakily and hugged her tightly. I didn't know how to deal with this guilt "I'm so sorry, Tee" I whimpered.

"It's not your fault and it was in the past. Let the past behind and enjoy what we have now." she whispered back and placed her hand on my chest, more specifically, on my heart. I nodded my head and blinked my tears away.

"What made you decide to- I mean, why now? Why didn't you tell me you loved me back when I did?"

"I don't know … I panicked. It was a lot to proceed, you know. I'd never even imagine you could love me back." she chuckled "And I told you now because I realized I was hurting you more than anything. I can handle hurting myself but I don't want to hurt you, and I'm sorry I did." She did hurt me, but it was already forgiven; I couldn't be mad at her, she made me feel so special. I couldn't be happier than in that moment.

I heard Tegan's steady breathing and I knew she fell asleep in my arms; I smiled at the thought and closed my eyes.

When I woke up the next morning, I nearly had a panic attack. I was alone in the bed. I thought that Tegan had run away, again. But then I heard noises coming from downstairs. I got up and made my way to the bathroom and looked for a new toothbrush. I took care of the morning breath and my bladder and hurried downstairs. There she was, preparing breakfast in underwear, completely unaware of my presence. I leaned against the doorframe and watched her for a few seconds before I started to feel like I was stalking her. "Hey" The sound of my voice made her jump and I chuckled.

"Geez, you scared me!" she exclaimed.

"Sorry," I mumbled "I didn't mean to" she motioned for me to come closer as she sat on the counter. She smiled when I positioned myself between her legs and wrapped her arms around my neck. I melted against her touch her pressed my body closer to her, hugging her tightly. "I love you" I said against her neck.

"I love you too" she kissed my cheek and slowly pulled away. I felt my heartbeat fasten as I saw her lean in for a kiss. She captured my lips with her and I felt her tongue ask for access against my bottom lip, which I gladly granted. Our lips fitted perfectly. My tongue massaged hers in a fight for dominance; they danced together and moved perfectly in sync. I felt my knees go weak and took her face in my trembling hands as I broke the kiss. I peck her on the lips and pressed my forehead against hers.

"Wow" I whispered and she chuckled. It was the first time I had a chance to taste her lips in such a passionate kiss. I leaned in again and kissed her deeply. I could feel the shivers down my spine. I felt like a teenage boy when I felt the wetness between my legs. I took hold of her hips and brought her closer to mine. I was absentmindedly grinding my hips against her and moaning in her mouth when she broke the kiss.

"Am I turning you on?" her voice was low and raspy. I nodded and buried my head in her neck, hiding my embarrassment and kissing her softly as she ran a hand in my hair. She jumped off of the counter and wrapped her arms around my lower back. She pressed her thighs between my legs and whispered in my ear "As much as I'd love to, we don't have time right now; we need to be in the studio in an hour" and then she pulled away with a giant smirk on her face.

"Fucking tease" I said as I tried to regain my composure. Tegan laughed and handed me a plate. She sat at the table and I joined her. We ate in a comfortable silence, occasionally smiling at each other. I felt like I was in a dream. I couldn't believe it. This is what I always wanted; _she_ was what I always wanted.

I pushed the door open and let Tegan in first. We entered the collective room and greeted everyone. When everyone was ready we started to work. We were working on one of my song today, one I wrote about Tegan. I found it a bit weird to sing about how sad and heartbroken I felt when I wasn't anymore; I was genuinely happy. It didn't prevent me to record it perfectly in one take. This was the last song that needed vocals; once that Tegan would do her backing vocal part, we'd be officially rid of that part of the work. Mike, our producer, gave me a thumb up through the window, telling me that I could go.

I found Tegan playing at frogger, as usual. I sat on the couch on the other side of the room and watched her play. It amazed me how concentrated she was, she didn't even notice me. I cleared my throat and she lifted her head up, smiling."Hey" she said as she sat next to me. I smiled as brought her closer to me and stole a quick kiss. We stared silently at each other before the ringing of my phone interrupted the intense gaze. I brought my phone to my ear without looking at the caller's ID.

"Hello?" I said, somewhat annoyed by the interruption.

"Hi babe!" My heart dropped in my chest at the sound of my _girlfriend_'s voice. I hated myself in that moment

"Hey, how you're doing?" I asked trying to sound normal. The conversation on the phone didn't last long, I didn't want to; Tegan's questioning eyes were burning holes on my skin. Stacy told me how she missed me and that she was impatiently waiting for me to come during my break in two days. After telling goodbye, I instinctively responded back when Stacy told me "I love you". Tegan stood up and started to leave "Tegan, wait! I'm sorry" I started to apologize as I grabbed her tightly by the wrist. I didn't want to let her go, not again. I needed her. I couldn't let her go.

"What do you want me to do? I thought you would dump her and instead you said that you love her" she said calmly, trying to push me away; I just didn't let go and grabbed both of her arms.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think, I just, I-" I trailed off, I didn't know how to apologize. I searched her eyes and forced her to look into my eyes "I love you Tegan. I'm sorry" Eventually she stopped fighting back and leaned her body against the door. She sighed and dropped her head.

"Do you love her?" she asked softly

"I love _you_" I didn't want to lie to her, but I didn't want to tell her that I did love Stacy; just not the same way. She shook her head and insisted

"You're not answering" she stated

"I guess I do," I took her hands in mine and smiled at how perfectly they fitted "but she doesn't compare to you. I'm in love with you Tegan. You'll always come first" she smiled weakly and nodded her head.

"I don't like her … and I don't want to share you" she chuckled and wrapped her arms around my back.

"Does it mean I'm yours?" I whispered in her ear. She nodded her head and I could feel her smile against my cheek. "Oh yeah?" she nodded again as I kissed, bit and suck on her neck, making sure to leave marks and slowly making my way to her lips. I kissed her passionately and bit on her bottom lip as I pulled away. I smiled when I felt Tegan's hands travel down my lower back, and to my bum. I pressed my body against her and buried my head in her neck.

It was around midnight when we decided to call it a day. I went back to Tegan's with a bag for the night. We ordered pizza and fell asleep watching TV. I woke up a few hours later, Tegan was straddling my waist. She smiled when I opened my eyes. "Let's get you to bed" She helped me get up and led us upstairs. Once in her bedroom, she started to undress and I watched her from the bed. "Like what you see?" she asked I she tossed her shirt to the floor. I nodded and bit my lip. She chuckled and slowly took her pants off then sat on my lap. "I want you to make love to me" she whispered. I kissed her lips and managed to lie her down on the bed. I got on top of her and prepared myself for, most certainly, the best night of my life.


	12. Chapter 12

Happy New Year to everyone !

Thank you so much for the reviews ;)

Enjoy & Review

* * *

**Sara's POV**

I pushed another finger in and earned a loud moan from Tegan. She ran her hand through my hair and grabbed a fistful of my hair when I hit her g-spot. I leaned in and kissed her softly, "Open your eyes" I whispered, my lips lingering on hers. I watched as she opened her eyes, only to see them roll at the back of her head when her release hit her. I slowed my thrusts to a stop and held her limp body as the waves of her orgasm made her body shake. I saw her lips curled into a smile and kissed her face as she tried to catch her breath. I rested my head on her chest and sighed happily. "I want to do this for the rest of my life"

"That would be great, but I'm afraid it's time to go if you don't want to miss your flight"

"I don't want to go" I whimpered

"I know, me neither babe, especially since I know you're going to meet _her_ in New York" Right. Stacy, I totally forgot about her. I didn't know how I was going to tell her yet but it needed to be done, I had to break up with her. Tegan made it clear that she didn't want me to drag it out unnecessarily. I sighed and started to unwrap myself from Tegan's sweaty body. I pecked her on the lips and got out of bed. I stepped in the shower and let the hot water run down my body. After a few minutes, I felt Tegan's hands on my hips. I moaned as she kissed my shoulder and massaged my breast. "Promise me you won't touch her," she bit hard on my neck and I winced in pain "and you won't let her touch you".

"I promise" I said as I turned around, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her in for a hug. "I wouldn't do that to you. I'm so in love with you" I'd truly never do that to her. She was everything to me.

"Me too, I'm so in love with you" she softly responded back and resumed her assault on my neck. I sighed and hugged her tightly before pulling away. I closed my eyes and felt Tegan's fingers caress my inner thighs. I bit my lip and slowly shook my head.

"Tee, we have to hurry up" I said taking hold of her wrist and pulling her hand away. She groaned and bit me again

"I just need a few minutes" she pleaded as she kissed my neck. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Tegan kneeling in front of me. My breathing fastened and became heavier at the sight. She smiled at my reaction and I felt myself start to pool, then I felt her tongue on my clit and I squeezed my eyes shut.

However, we managed to arrive at the airport in time; the ride was silent, I felt sad to leave but I was also afraid. Afraid that Tegan might change her mind when she'd come back from Vancouver. We were standing in the lobby, surrounded by hundreds of people and I was on the edge of crying.

"I want to kiss you so badly right now" Tegan admitted in a husky voice, chewing on her labret. I looked around and sighed. There was no way we could kiss in the middle of the airport. It was painful to think that we would always have to hide. I could never hold her hand or kiss her in public. I made a step closer and pull her in a tight embrace. Sisters could hug, right? Tegan's body tensed in my arms, and she hesitantly wrapped her arms around my tiny frame as she felt my tears on her neck. "It's only for a week Sar" I nodded as she gently rubbed my back, loosing myself in her embrace.

"I know, but I'm going to mis-" I was interrupted by an unfamiliar voice. Tegan and I both took a step back; my eyes landed on a blonde girl, grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh my god! Tegan and Sara! Oh my god, I love you so, so much guys! I was so excited to hear that you were back in the studio!" After a few seconds of her hysterical shouting, my brain disconnected to prevent myself from screaming at her for interrupting such an intimate moment. I was grateful to have tons of fans supporting us, but there were times like this where I wished I could just have some privacy. I was only focused on Tegan, who seemed to hide her nervousness behind her famous gummy smile, trying to figure out how much of the conversation this girl had heard. Eventually, she left us alone after we signed a few random things and hugged her. There was an awkward silence between the two of us before Tegan broke the silence

"I think it's time to go." I sighed and nodded, locking my eyes on hers

"I love you" I whispered, only audible for Tegan. She smiled weakly and reached her hand to brush the hair hiding my eyes, but stopped halfway, shifting awkwardly on her feet

"I love you too …Call me when you get home" She hugged me quickly and waved me away.

**Tegan's POV**

I stared at the clouds through the window, holding back my tears. I didn't want to cry on a plane, especially with this blonde girl from earlier sitting a few seats away, who tried to make eye contact during the whole flight.

I felt terribly alone, lying in my queen size bed and thinking about Sara. I couldn't get her off of my mind, we've been trying this relationship thing for only a couple of days and I felt like we've been doing it for a lifetime; everything was so easy and natural with Sara. Well, technically we did it for a lifetime. We were twins after all. I hated thinking about that, I felt disgusting. I hated being her sister. It meant that we would always have to hide and I hated it. I buried my head and my pillow and screamed at the top of my lungs. We would never be able to show this incredible connection we sharing, not even to our mother. She would be devastated. I felt depressed at the thought and decided to go for a walk. I needed some fresh air, it would help me relax.

I had missed Vancouver, I really loved this city; it was home but I was already impatient to go back to Los Angeles, I could be with Sara again. I could kiss her and touch her, feel her skin move against mine, admire her perfect body lying underneath mine, watch how she would bite her lip when she would be about to cu- my reverie was interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing. I reached into my pocket and put the phone to my ear

"Hello?" I said enthusiastically, hoping it was Sara

"Hi Tegan!"

"Oh … Hi mum, how you're doing?" I asked, slightly disappointed to hear her voice instead of Sara's, even though it was too early for her flight to have already landed.

"I'm doing great! How about you? You sound weird, what's wrong honey?" I couldn't hide a single thing from my mother, even over the phone.

"Wha- No, I'm fine. I'm just a bit tired, you know" I half lied

"Hum, okay," she knew I was lying but ignored it "well, hopefully you have a week break now. How about you come over here for lunch?"

"Sounds good! I should be there in about an hour."

"Sounds great. Okay, I have to go now. Bye!" She hung up before I could answer. I was excited to see my mum though, I could use some company. I went back home and hopped in the shower. The hot water felt good against my skin. I let my mind wander; mostly thinking about how I'd love Sara to appear out of nowhere and joined me in. I just wanted her to be here with me and hold me. I felt safe in her arms, and I needed to feel this safeness right now. I needed her to reassure me, I needed her to tell me that she truly loves me and I needed her to tell me that everything will be just fine. I needed her. The water ran cold and I hopped out of the shower, I took my sweet time and I needed to hurry up if I didn't want to be late at mum's.


	13. Chapter 13

Hey guys, here's chapter 13! Thank you to all the readers :)

I also would like to greatly thank **HesOnlyRadical,** who did all the editing! Thank you so much!

Enjoy & Please Review

* * *

**Sara's POV**

My flight just landed, I sighed in relief when my foot touched the ground; I never liked being on a plane, it always made me feel uncomfortable and nervous. After an endless time waiting for my luggage, I finally stepped outside. I looked around for a cab and started to walk, reaching into my pocket to call Tegan in the process. In the middle of dialing her number, I felt a hand squeeze my ass. I quickly turned around, ready to kick someone's ass and my jaw dropped when my eyes landed on Stacey's smiling face. I didn't even remember asking her to pick me up. She wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed me while I stood in shock, unable to move.

"Hi babe! I missed you" She said as she buried her head in my neck, resting her hands on my hips.

"Hi" I mumbled. I pulled away and smiled weakly at her. She took my hand in hers and pecked me on the lips.

"Let's go" She said and I followed her helplessly, putting my phone back in my pocket. The ride home was quite awkward, mostly filled with Stacey talking and me occasionally nodding or giving her short answers. Eventually I fell asleep in her car and woke up when she stopped the engine in front of my apartment's building. "Hey sleepyhead, let's get you to bed" She smiled at me and got out of the car. She carried my luggage while I lazily stepped into the elevator, yawning. I opened the door of my apartment and dragged my foot to my comfy bed, tossed my clothes to the floor and crawled under the covers in my underwear and bra. I haven't slept much in the last few days; Tegan made it almost impossible but I didn't complain. The sex was amazing with her; every move I would initiate, she would finish it. It was so natural. I sighed when I felt Stacy sitting on the bed and patting my leg

"I need to go back to work now, love. I'll be back soon." I would have to talk to her later, it won't be fun, but I'll have to. Feeling exhausted, I drifted off soon after she left.

_Her hands feel so soft against my skin. She runs her hand on my stomach and massages my breast with the other. She sits on my lap and straddles my waist. I feel her hot breath on my neck and moan. She starts to grind her crotch against mine and I feel the wetness between my legs. I grab her ass and feel the heat radiating from her core; I pull her closer to me, creating more friction. "I missed you so much" Tegan says but something is wrong, her voice doesn't sound like hers. "Come on babe, open your eyes. You're so horny." she chuckles. Her face slowly turns into another one; Stacey's face._

I froze as I watched her bit her bottom lip, and look down at me. She unhooked her bra and I stopped her before she could let it fall. "Stacey, w-wait. W-we, we need to talk" I managed to choke out as I sat up. She turned the lamp on the nightstand on and eyed me worriedly. Her look turned from worry to anger as soon as her eyes adapted to the light.

"What the fuck is that?" She asked, tracing her finger from my neck to my shoulder, and down my collar bone.

"What are you tal-" She cuts me off.

"They're not from me!" She pushed both my shoulder, causing me to fall back "Hickeys and bite marks!" She stated. "Sara, are you fucking serious?" She got up from my lap and I sat back up. I stayed silent and sighed in relief. It was way easier than what I thought. I watched her sit in confusion on the edge of the bed, putting her head in her hands. "I was only gone for a couple of days and you're still manage to-" she trailed off, sighing heavily, "couldn't you keep it in your fucking pants?" She raised her voice and she looked up at me with her watery eyes.

"I'm sorry" I said honestly.

"I thought you had changed" she said through her sobs. I hated seeing her hurt, she looked so vulnerable. I took a deep breath and sat next to her, nervously playing with my hands.

"I have changed. Stacey, look at me" I whispered. After a few seconds, I lifted her chin up and forced her to look in my eyes "I truly am sorry. I didn't want to hurt you and I'm sorry." She shoved my hand away and stood up, leaning her body against the wall and looking up at the ceiling while crying. At this point, I just wanted to crawl in a ball on the floor and die.

"Was it worth it?" She asked through clenched teeth. I kept my mouth shut; there was no need to add insult to injury. She started crying hysterically and I couldn't let her cry like this. I stood up and tightly wrapped my arms around her, rubbing her back. She screamed at me and tried to push me away, but I held on tight until she stopped fighting back and finally let herself cry on my shoulder while I whispered my apologizes in her ear. After a few minutes, she led us to the bed and laid down, asking me to lie behind her and hold her. We stayed silent for hours and at some point I guessed she fell asleep. I was wrong; she was just misinterpreting my actions. "I love you" she whispered. I sighed and took a deep breath.

"I love you too Stacey, I really do … but I can't do this" she turned around and eyed me up and down. She yelled at me and begged me to explain myself for about half an hour before slamming the door. She had this look in her eyes when I told her that I was in love with someone else; it gave me chills. She looked so devastated and I fucking hated myself for hurting her like that. I really loved her and I was so grateful for all the things she did for me but I couldn't give her what she wanted. My heart already belonged to Tegan.

I looked at the clock and sighed, it was already late. Hopefully Tegan wouldn't be asleep yet, it was earlier in Vancouver. I grabbed my phone and noticed that it was off. I looked through my luggage and found my charger. I plugged my phone in and turned it back on. I ignored the missed calls from my mum and immediately called Tegan back. After the fifth time, I gave up. I texted my mum, telling her that I'm okay and that I'd call her back. I headed towards the bathroom and took a quick shower. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror, tracing my fingers over where Tegan marked her ownership. I walked back to my room and dialed Tegan's number. It immediately went to her voicemail; she turned her phone off, she's mad. I sighed and cleared my throat before speaking. "Hi, um, it's me. I'm sorry I haven't called earlier … Stacy was here and um, I talked to her. I broke up with her," I sighed and blinked my tears away, "I wanted to hear your voice. I'll call you back tomorrow. I love you Tee."


	14. Chapter 14

****Again a short one, I hope you'll like it though.

Thank you to **HesOnlyRadical** for the editing!

Enjoy & Please Review !

* * *

**Sara's POV**

I finished cleaning my apartment and looked at the clock, _11:24_ still too early to call Tegan. I looked around and sighed; I had nothing left to do. My place was clean and I already took a shower. I headed to the door and made sure to lock it before walking out. I made my way to my favorite bookstore in NYC and wandered randomly through the aisles as the smell of old books made me feel like I was home in Montreal. Half an hour later, I paid the cashier for the books I picked up and exited the shop. I made a stop by the nearest coffee shop before walking back home. I opened the door to my apartment and plopped down on the couch. I grabbed my phone and checked the time _12:51_. I smiled and dialed Tegan's number. She answered after the third ring.

"Mmm...hello?" _Oops, still too early_ I thought as I took a sip of my lukewarm coffee.

"Hi babe, do you want me to call back later?" I asked hoping she would say no. I heard her groan and smiled to myself.

"No it's fine, I'm already awake now." I chuckled; she has always been grumpy in the morning.

"I'm sorry I woke you up. How you're doing?" I questioned, biting my lip.

"Fine. You?" she said harshly and exhaled a long sigh.

"Tee," I said in a pleading tone, "are you mad because I woke you up or because I missed your calls yesterday?" I paused, "I told you, Stacy was here and it was … horrible."

"Both. I called and texted you a hundred times. You said you would call me when you landed and you didn't. You had me worried," she pouted, "and mom too." I smiled at her childish tone.

"I'm so sorry babe. She surprised me; I didn't know she would pick me up at the airport." We talked for about an hour. Tegan told me about her day with mom, which was slightly odd; my mom kept asking her a lot of questions and Tegan couldn't tell her a single thing except for the recording part. She knew Tegan wasn't telling everything and eventually she guessed that Tegan had met someone. Which is true, but Tegan made up a funny story and my mom reluctantly believed her. It wasn't an easy task to lie to our therapist mother. It all went well until she started asking about my evening with Stacy.

"So you were making out and she saw the bite marks?" she asked in an accusatory tone.

"Geez! We weren't making out Tegan! I was asleep!" I defended myself. It actually took me fifteen painful minutes before she started to believe me. I didn't know this crazy-jealous side of her and it was a bit irritating; Tegan could be so stubborn sometimes. "You really need to trust me Tee." I stated. She agreed and the conversation didn't last long after that.

I grabbed one of the books I bought and ran my fingers on the cover before opening it. Halfway through the book, my stomach loudly growled. I stopped reading and carefully put the novel down on the coffee table. I took the few steps to the kitchen and tried to decide on what to eat. I looked through the cabinets and fridge and sighed; I poured myself a cup of coffee and grabbed a granola bar then headed back to my living room. I didn't want to cook, I didn't want to do anything but read. I felt alone, and it wasn't just a feeling. My flat was empty, I didn't know a lot of people in New York and I've been neglecting them in the past few months so I didn't feel like calling them to hang out and Stacy was probably hating me.

I sighed and picked up the book. I resumed my action but found myself reading the same line over and over again; I couldn't concentrate on the heartbroken lines, my mind was elsewhere. Then it hit me, as I vainly tried to focus on the pivotal moment of the story, where the lovers are separated to continue their lives on different continents. They were us, it was Tegan and I's story. We could never be truly together. What would happen when we were done recording? What would happen when we were done touring for the new album? We don't even live in the same city and I wouldn't be able to stand the distance. What if she meets someone else in Vancouver? Would I always feel like this? Would I always feel as empty, insecure and depressed whenever I would be on my own? What would people say if I go back to Vancouver? What would people do if they found out about us? What if I'm the only one feeling like this? What if Tegan doesn't care at all? What if she doesn't want me there? What if Tegan doesn't feel the need to- I jumped at the sound of my phone and exhaled a long sigh before grabbing it. I smiled when I saw the text message from Tegan. It was almost like she could read my mind and knew that I need her to comfort and reassure me. Even if she was thousands miles away, she could still make me feel like she was near me.

The few simple words she sent me were all I needed. It only took her a couple of seconds to type it out but, when she sent me that text message, she almost took away all the insecurities and worries that have been on my mind. Almost.

I reread the message for the hundredth time and sighed happily, blinking away the tears that were forming in the corner of my eyes.

_I wish you were here. I love you so much, you have no idea_


	15. Chapter 15

Thank you everyone for the reviews, favorites and follows! A special thanks to **HesOnlyRadical** for the editing. If you haven't read her story yet, you should def. do it now!

Enjoy & Review ;)

* * *

**Sara's POV**

I growled as I heard the annoying beeping sound of my alarm clock. I pressed the snooze button and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. A big grin appeared on my face as I remember the reason as to why I had to get up so early. I hopped out of bed and in the shower. I quickly washed my body and brushed my teeth; I picked up a nice outfit after drying off and I put it on. I grabbed my bag and hailed a cab to the airport.

I was excited to go back in the studio; this week break has been boring as hell, I basically spent it lying on my couch with an open book on my chest and thinking about Tegan. I felt like, now that we were together, I needed to be there for her; I wanted to make her happy after all she had been through. I wanted to make her forget, it was my duty. I truly believed that this is what I was made for.

A few hours later, I waited for my luggage and texted my sister to make sure she was waiting for me. Tegan flew in earlier today and promised me that she would pick me up at the airport. I smiled widely when I read her message a few seconds later. She was there, impatiently waiting for me. I grabbed my heavy luggage and headed towards the lobby, where we agreed to meet up. I searched frantically through the crowd for that familiar face that would make my heart melt. I found myself being nervous; my hands became clammy, my heart fastened a beat and I started to sweat. It was ridiculous, we done this a million times. I kept looking around and saw her, grinning uncontrollably at me. I bit my bottom lip and almost ran at her. The sight was breathtaking. She was gorgeous. I dropped my bag at my feet and hugged her tightly, burying my head in her neck, taking in her scent. I felt a tear run down my cheek and exhaled a long sigh before pulling away. "I missed you so much" I admitted, brushing her falling hair behind her hair. She smiled warmly and wiped my tears away.

"I missed you too." She said, pulling me in for another hug. I lost myself in her arms her kissed her neck. "Sara, not here." She chuckled.

"I'm sorry … but I've missed you so much." I whispered in her neck. She rubbed my back before pulling away and looking me in the eyes.

"I've got a present for you." She said as she grabbed my bag from the floor.

"Oh yeah? What is it?" I asked curiously.

"You'll see when we get home." she winked at me before starting to walk away.

We hailed a cab and sat in the back. She held my hand the whole ride, ignoring the constant stare from the driver through the rear view mirror. I kept asking her about the gift and she wouldn't tell anything but I had an idea about it though. We arrived at her house and she paid the driver while I took my bag from the trunk. She opened the front door and let me in first.

"Do you want a coffee?" I nodded my head and smiled as I sat down on the couch, sighing happily. I lovingly watched her as she disappeared into the kitchen. I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes. Tegan was amazing; she was what I always wanted. She made me happy; she made me feel completed. I heard Tegan coming back and opened my eyes. She put the mug on the coffee table and sat down on my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. I placed my hands on her waist and rubbed up and down her sides. She looked me in the eyes and smiled, leaning in for a passionate kiss. Her lips were so soft against mine, I poured all of my feelings in it; I wanted to show her how I loved her, how I missed her. She gently caressed my scalp and I felt her tongue on my bottom lip, begging for entrance which I gladly granted. She slowly pulled away and ran her thumb against my cheek. "So," she started, "how was your week?"

"Boring," I pecked her on the lips and continued, "I basically just stayed home and waited." I chuckled and reached on the coffee table for the mug.

"You sure know how to party." She joked. I laughed and tickled her side as a punishment for mocking me. I took a sip from my coffee and smiled. She made it the perfect way. I put the mug away as the hot liquid ran down my throat.

"How was yours?" I questioned.

"Maybe not as boring as yours." she laughed, burying her face in my neck. I felt her hot breath on my skin and it sent shivers down my spine. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly, needing to feel her. She started kissing and biting on my neck, earning a loud moan from my throat. She pulled away and locked her gaze on mine; her eyes were filled with lust. She began biting her bottom lip as she trailed her hand along my breast and down at the top of my pants. She started to unbuckle my belt, not once looking away from my eyes then she took her own shirt off and tossed it to the floor. I felt myself starting to get wet at the sight and watched as she unhooked her bra, letting it fall between us. I moved my hands up, feeling the softness of her skin against my hand and palmed her breast before taking her nipple in my mouth, feeling it harden on my tongue. Tegan threw her head back, exposing her neck and ran her hand through my hair. I kept massaging her breast and kissed along her chest, collarbone and up to her neck. She moaned as I sucked and bite on her skin. She unbuttoned my jeans in one quick movement and got up from my lap, taking my pants off. She kneeled in front of me and I started breathing heavily at the sight.

**Tegan's POV**

Sara looked down at me, biting her lip. I knew she was turned on; I could see the wet spot through her underwear. I positioned my body between her legs and caressed her thighs. "Take off your shirt" I ordered in a low voice, she hurriedly obeyed and tossed it to the side. I smiled and placed my hands on her knees, spreading her legs; her breath came out ragged as I moved my hands up to her chest and between her breasts. "Off." I said as I trailed my hand over her bra; she quickly took it off, looking in my eyes. My gaze fell down to her chest; I palmed her breast and took her hard nipple between my fingers. I grabbed her hips and pulled her closer to me, her bum at the end of the couch. I placed my fingers under the elastic of her boy short and slowly slid it down her thighs, she raised her hips and I took it off. She was dripping wet. I could smell her and it drove me crazy. I kissed her inner thighs and teased her with my tongue. I felt her hand in my hair and smiled against her skin, she was obviously enjoying it. She was usually the one in charge in bed and apparently, she liked it the other way too. I took her throbbing clit in my mouth and sucked on it. She squeezed her eyes shut and moaned loudly.

"Fuck" she whispered. I slid my tongue along her slit, collecting all of her cum and tasting her before sucking on her clit. I traced small circles on her clit with my tongue and I could tell that she was already close. I placed a finger at her entrance and slowly pushed it inside and started pumping in and out while I kept toying with her pulsing clit. She moaned and raised her hips along with each thrust, and soon I could feel her walls clenching around my finger. "Fuck Tegan, I'm gonna cum."

"I want you to cum in my mouth." I encouraged her, and she didn't need to be told twice. She hit her release, crying out my name as I slowed my thrusts to an end. I kissed her clit and pull my finger out. I licked her clean and sat on her lap while she struggled to catch her breath. I kissed her neck and pull away "Do you need your puffer?" I joked. She shook her head and smiled, opening her eyes and pulling me in for a long kiss. I moaned in the kiss as she tasted herself on my tongue. I felt her hand on my thighs, slowly making its way to my core.

"It was probably the best gift ever." She whispered as she pulled away.

"That wasn't your present." I informed her, kissing her jaw line.

"Oh … what is it then?" She asked in a sexy voice, sliding her hand under my pants and cupping my mound over my underwear. "You're so wet, Tegan." She whispered against my lips; I felt a finger at my entrance and hesitantly grabbed her wrist, telling her to stop. "Wha- What's wrong babe?" she asked. I could feel the worry in her voice and shook my head.

"Nothing. Everything's fine, just hold on." I reassured her with a smile and a quick kiss before standing up and heading to my bedroom.

**Sara's POV**

Tegan came back a few minutes later with her hands behind her back and grinning uncontrollably. She sat down on my lap and I bit my bottom lip before leaning in and capturing her lips with mine. I started massaging her breast before she pulled away, handing me the present she was hiding behind her back. She smiled when I took it from her hands and started to unpack it. She bit her lip and waited for my reaction while I eyed the box, analyzing its content. I took the strap-on off out its box and placed it between our faces. "A dildo?" I laughed and she nodded, blushing. I haven't use one of these in a long time and I only had one inside me once or twice so I felt a bit reluctant about it. I kissed her cheek before adding "I'm not sure about that, I'm not used to, um, having thi-" she cut me off, tenderly kissing my lips

"I want you to wear it." She quickly said, smiling shyly. I nodded my head and leaned in for another kiss as a smile formed on my lips. She pulled away and whispered in my ear "I want you to be my first." I kissed her neck and nodded again.


	16. Chapter 16

****Thank you to all of you, and especially to **HesOnlyRadical** for the editing!

Let me know what you think!

Enjoy & Review

* * *

**Tegan's POV**

"We don't have to if you're not comfortable with it." Sara reassured me again as I laid on my bed; it was obvious she wanted me to be sure.

"I know. I want to do it. I want you inside of me." She nodded her head and kissed me gently. She knew I never had one inside of me before and I thought she understood why. She positioned her body between my legs and slid the phallus along my throbbing clit before placing it at my entrance. She looked me in the eyes while she slowly pushed it inside of me; I gasped as she pushed an inch in before pulling out almost completely. I grabbed her by the neck and pulled her face closer to mine; I needed to feel her close. I kissed her slowly and winced in pain when she pushed another inch in.

"Do you want me to stop?" She whispered softly. I shook my head and crashed my lips against her as she pulled out. She gently pushed back in, adding another inch before pulling back out almost entirely. She kept going until the whole length was inside of me, not once looking away from my eyes. She kept a slow pace, gently pumping in and out. Eventually the pain faded away and I started to find hint of pleasure even if I could feel my inside burning. "You're okay?" she asked, somewhat out of breath and I nodded my head. She buried her head in my neck and kissed me as I kept her body close to mine. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the feeling of Sara inside of me, skin against skin. I tried to remember that it was a loving act, not anything else … but I failed. Something was wrong. It hurt. Why was she hurting me? It felt like it always did when a complete stranger was in that same position, doing the exact same thing; hurting me to provide themselves something completely different, they were enjoying it while I was in pain. It felt like they were soiling me, raping me, but I did ask for it, I needed it; it was the way I paid them. They would do whatever they wanted to do to me and they would give me any kind of hard drug in exchange. It felt wrong and sickening. I didn't even notice I was silently crying. At some point I felt like I was back in my teen years and Sara was just another old fucking pervert taking advantage and raping a junkie teen. My body started to shake and a sob escaped my throat; Sara stopped in her tracks and her eyes grew wide when they landed on mine. "Babe, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asked, panicked. I didn't respond and she gently pulled out, unstrapped the strap-on from her waist and tossed it aside before wrapping her arms around me. "It's okay Tee, I'm right here." She hugged me tightly and waited for my hysterical crying to calm down. After a good ten minutes, I stopped shaking and started to relax in her embrace. "Tee … what's happening?" I shrugged my shoulders and buried my head in her chest as she kissed the top of my head. "Talk to me babe, I just want to help." She pleaded, trying to lift my head up.

"It hurt and I-I … I tho-thought yo-" I trailed off, unable to make a complete sentence. I looked up and saw the pain in her eyes. I didn't need to say anything else, she knew what I meant. She knew what I was thinking about when she was on top of me. A tear formed in the corner of her eye and she blinked it away. She knew she needed to be the stronger one at that moment, she knew I needed her to comfort me.

"I'm sorry." She whispered in my ear but she didn't have to tell me what she was sorry for; for hurting me or because of all the memories this act brought to my mind. She knew she didn't need to, she knew I understood that she was sorry for both and even more. She was sorry it happened to me at all. At this point I was grateful that she was my twin; I didn't need to talk to her, she knew what she had to do. It was Sara, she will always know; because of this incredible connection we've been sharing since we were born. It was more that sisterhood, more than this twin thing, even more than love. It was something that we couldn't even explain; we just felt it in every corner of our bodies and souls. It was something that we couldn't fight and if we both tried, we would both fail. We were meant to be together, we couldn't go against it. It was out of our control. I let out a shaky breath and laid on my side, taking Sara's arm with me and wrapping it around my stomach. She laid behind me and spooned me, kissing my shoulder blade. "I love you." She whispered, I held her hand tightly and closed my eyes. I just needed to feel her; I needed to know she was there with me and that she wouldn't leave. Eventually my cries died down, leaving me exhausted. I sighed heavily and let myself get lost in the feeling of Sara's warm body against my skin, lovingly kissing every spot she could, tracing small figures on my stomach with her soft finger.

I woke up later, to the feeling of those soft lips on my neck; Sara was still spooning me. I smiled and turned around, facing her. "Hey." I said running a hand in her hair. She smiled and leaned in, placing a soft kiss on my lips.

"How do you feel?" she hesitantly asked. I smiled and peck her lips

"Better." I responded honestly before wrapping my arm around her neck. My stomach growled and we both chuckled.

"What do you want to eat?" She asked kissing my shoulder.

"You." I answered with a smile as I rolled on top of her naked body. She laughed and wrapped her arms around my back.

"Come on, I'm serious, I don't want you to starve to death." She chuckled, rubbing small circles on my back as I kissed her neck, sliding my hand down to her side. I kissed all the way from her lips down to her midsection and looked up to her face, seeing her biting her lips. I placed a single kiss on her clit then stood up, laughing as I watched the confused look on Sara's face. "Wait, wha- are you serious? You're such a fucking tease!" she said as she threw her head back on the pillow, groaning.

"What? I don't want to die either!" I joked as I headed to the bathroom. I turned the water on and hopped in the shower. A few minutes later, I exited the bathroom and found Sara in the exact same spot on the bed, sleeping. I smiled and made my way to my closet, grabbing a pj pants and a tank top. I kissed her forehead and headed downstairs, towards the kitchen then I started to cook for the lovely woman in my bed.


	17. Chapter 17

Thanks to the amazing **HesOnlyRadical **for the editing!

Enjoy & Please Review!

* * *

**Sara's POV**

I shouldn't have done it. She only did it to please me and then she broke down. She wasn't ready for that, and maybe that she would never be. I felt miserable and angry at myself for hurting her after all she's been through…because of me. I promised myself that I would do my best to make it up to her and I was doing the opposite. I sighed and turned the water off. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my dripping body. I headed back to Tegan's bedroom and looked around for my luggage before remembering that I had left it downstairs. I searched through her closet for some clothes to borrow and quickly dressed myself.

I leaned my body against the door frame of the kitchen and watched as Tegan set the food in the plates. It reminded me of when I found her in this exact same spot after we spent the night making love for the first time. It made me smile to think about that night, I could remember everything about it, every single detail. It was weird to think that it was only a few days ago, I felt like a lifetime has passed since then. Tegan turned around and smiled at me, but something was wrong. I could see it in her eyes; it wasn't the same look, something was missing in them, it was blank. It looked like something had been extinguished. I felt my heart heavily drop in my chest. There was no joy in her eyes; it was a look of pure sadness. Even her smile was fake and her skin was pale, she looked sick.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I started to panic. I was sure it had something to do with last night.

"Yeah I'm fine" she reassured me as she put on that fake smile again, but I knew her better than that. She could tell me anything she wanted; I knew something was bothering her. Perhaps she wasn't ready to talk about it yet, maybe she wanted time to figure things out by herself… so I acted as if everything was fine. I would wait as long as she needed me to until she would be ready to talk to me. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her in for a long and comforting hug, trying to let her know that I was there for her, that she could trust me. She put a hand on my neck and hummed in my ear.

"You smell good." I smiled against her cold cheek and rubbed her back before pulling away.

"I just hopped out of the shower." I chuckled as I pecked her lips.

"I hope you're hungry, because I made dinner." She said nodding her head towards the plates. I smiled as she grabbed my hand and led us to the table. She poured two glasses of red wine and sat across from me, grinning. She was good at acting though.

"Mhmm, this is so good!" I said as I took a bite of the grilled chicken. Tegan smiled and nodded, not even looking up at me; I guessed she was really hungry. We ate in silence, both savoring our meal. I caught myself staring at the amazingly beautiful woman sitting in front of me, who wasn't even acknowledging my presence. All of her focus was taken by the hard task she was busy with; a nervous habit she always had. Vigorously biting her nails was apparently more interesting than me. Why wouldn't she talk to me? Maybe it had nothing to do with last night. Maybe it was all about me. Maybe she didn't want to be in a relationship with me, her twin sister. Maybe she needed her space…but she had a whole fucking week! I sighed loudly in frustration, trying to catch her attention_._ She looked back at me, smiling but she seemed annoyed that I cut her thinking off though. I was about to throw a million of questions at her when she stood up and finally spoke.

"Come lay with me?" She asked with a shy smile as she reached her hand out to me; I gladly took it and she led us upstairs and into her room. As we silently laid in the dark, I let my mind wander about all the things that could possibly be going on in Tegan's brain. Maybe I am over-thinking as I usually do, maybe she was fine.

**Tegan's POV**

_I spot my friend David in the corner of the room; he's talking with another guy that I have never seen before. The room is hot and full of people, alcohol and weed everywhere. This is not what I'm looking for though, my body has been used to this. I need something else, something strong. Today I saw my sister exiting the bathroom wearing only a towel, it turned me on. She didn't see me but _I_ saw her, and I need to erase that picture out of my brain. I'm a bad person, I'm fucking sick. I keep looking through the crowd of people and my eyes land on a group of people, sitting on the floor. One of the boys is holding a spoon and a lighter, a blond girl is opening a small dim bag. That's all I need to see. _

_"Hey, where did you get that?" I yelled over the music, pointing my index finger towards the bag. _

_ "The guy in tuxedo over there." A redhead boy points towards the door. I nod my head and make my way to this suspicious guy. As I approach him, he makes eye contact with me and I nod then he disappears behind the closed doors. I quicken my pace and hurry outside. He's leaning against a wall, lighting a cigarette. _

_"Do you have cash?" I slowly shook my head and he starts to leave._

_"Wait! I can pay in another way." I exclaim as I catch up with him, he looks down at me and smirks. _

_"How?" he asks suggestively, licking his lips_

_"I can give you a handjob." I said hesitantly and hoping desperately that he wouldn't ask for more. My stomach twitches when he loudly laughs._

_"This is gonna be way more expensive than that baby girl." He responds while he caresses my lips with his thumb. I feel my _

_teeth clench on their own accord and I nod my head._

_An hour and a half later, I'm lying in my bed, holding a small bag in my clenched fist as I try to calm my crying down. I can't get rid of his taste in my mouth and I can't keep reminding the words he said when he hit his release. _You're so fucking good at this_. How could I? I fucking hated it! It made me throw up several times, I feel sick but it was worth it wasn't it? I keep convincing myself that it was anyway. In a few minutes, my mind will be clear, I won't have to think anymore and I could finally sleep._

"What are you thinking about?" I heard Sara's soft voice say, saving me from my own thoughts. I blinked my eyes and felt the cold tears running down my cheeks.

"Um, … about tomorrow, I can't wait to head back to the studio." I lied but she didn't buy it. She turned around to face me and sighed.

"Tegan," she began, "I know something is upsetting you. You can talk to me. What's wrong? Did _I_ do something wrong?" I needed to find an escape. I didn't want to talk about it, not now; it wasn't a good time, I felt ashamed when I thought about that; I didn't want Sara to be disgusted by me, I wasn't ready for that yet. I leaned in and kissed her lips. Sara could easily be distracted by some smart moves, and luckily enough, the lights were off. She couldn't see my face. She couldn't see my eyes that were about to tell her that I wasn't fine at all, that I was being eating up from the inside by all those memories that came rushing back with no apparent reason.

"You did nothing wrong, you're just perfect," I said honestly then kissed her lips again, "and I'm fine." I rolled on top of her and straddled her waist, taking hold of both of her hands.

"You would tell me if something was wrong, right?" She asked as I pinned her hands above her head. I nod against her neck and whispered in her ear.

"Promise." I hated lying to her, it broke my heart…but what else could I do?


	18. Chapter 18

Thanks to the amazing **HesOnlyRadical **for the editing!

* * *

**Sara's POV**

It was barely 6 AM and I couldn't sleep anymore. Tegan was acting weird lately, she was distant and she seemed so lost. She even asked me to sleep in my own rent-house last night, which I did. I didn't understand why she was like that and she wouldn't talk to me; every time I would ask her, she would tell me that everything was fine. I knew it wasn't. I knew her and something was really upsetting her. It was painful to see her like that, and it was even more painful and heartbreaking to be useless. This is how I felt, useless. I couldn't help her, she wouldn't let me; she didn't trust me enough to tell me what was happening. Tegan, as my twin sister, would have told me everything; Tegan, as my girlfriend, well…that was another story.

I felt terribly alone in those cold white sheets, I was used to wake up into Tegan's strong, yet soft arms. I would be waking up and I would feel this warmth surrounding my body, the one only _she_ was able to provide me. I would snuggle more into it and she would tighten her hold around me, making me feel like nothing could ever happen to me. I would feel safe in her arms. Maybe she didn't want me to feel safe anymore. Maybe she didn't want me to wake up to her every morning anymore. Maybe she didn't want me anymore. At that point, I felt as insecure as insecure got to be. I knew since the very beginning of all of this that Tegan was the only girl on earth who could rip my heart out of my chest and let me fall apart while I would desperately and vainly search for a way to recover from it. I knew I wouldn't be able to recover if she decided to break up. She owned my heart. If she ever needed to get away from me, for whatever reason, if she was going to leave me, my heart will go with her. Insecure, anxious, horrified, lonely, sad…that's how I felt as I laid in those cold white sheets.

I remembered feeling the exact same way when I was in New York after the breakup with Stacy. That time, out of nowhere, Tegan had taken all these feelings away, with a simple text message. Somehow, she knew that I needed to be comforted. She knew that I needed her. And even if she was thousands miles away, she managed to make me feel better. This time, she didn't. This was just another confirmation that something was obviously wrong. Thinking about that right now wasn't exactly the best idea while I was trying to fall back asleep. Feeling depressed and laying alone in a bed in an empty house in the early morning wasn't that funny. The thought of possibly loosing Tegan made it almost impossible for me to get up, I just wanted to stay in bed, cry, and sleep for the next few months.

I somehow managed to get in the tub; hopefully the hot water could help me relax a bit before I needed to head off to the studio.

I called Tegan on my way to the studio; I wanted to ask her if she wanted to walk there with me. I called her twice but she didn't respond. I entered a small coffee shop and ordered a much deserved coffee before calling her back again. When she didn't respond, I started to think that she was ignoring me. Why would she do that? I didn't do anything wrong! Maybe she needed some time alone. Maybe she was thinking about how weird it is to be in a relationship with her twin sister. Maybe she still felt sick about it. Maybe she was thinking about how to break up with me. The thought alone was enough to make me cry. This whole crying in public thing was definitely something I wasn't used to and it was probably the last thing I needed right now. I just needed her. I needed her to tell me that everything was fine, that I was just over-thinking every fucking thing. I wanted her to hold me. I wanted to feel safe again. I was tired of all those doubts on our relationship. Why couldn't it be simple? Why couldn't she just tell me that she wanted me to come back to Vancouver?

When I arrived at the studio, a long exasperated sigh escaped my mouth. Tegan wasn't there yet. I headed straight to the collective room and laid on the couch, closing my eyes. I figured I would just wait her here but ended up falling asleep.

I woke up to someone gently shaking my shoulder. I first thought that it was Tegan but my hopes were quick to disappear, along with my smile, when I opened my eyes and saw Greg.

"Hi." He smiled apologetically, trying to tell me he was sorry for waking me up, "Do you know where Tegan is?" he asked softly. I shook my head as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

"I haven't seen her yet." I admitted him in a low voice, sitting up on the couch.

"Well, nobody has…she doesn't answer her phone and she's like half an hour late."

That's when I started to panic. It was totally Tegan-like to be late but _that_ wasn't like her. If she was going to be late, she would always call someone. She would never let everybody get worried about her; and that's what I could read on Greg's face: worry. I felt my heartbeat fasten, as well as my breathing. I stood up, wide eyes and with shaky legs and excused myself to Greg. I needed to check up on her. I already felt the guilt rushing all over my body as I stormed out of the studio; I should have checked up on her sooner. What if something happened to her? Well, obviously something happened to her, that's why she wouldn't answer her phone.

I reached into my pocket as I hailed a cab, the panic had settled in, making it hard to breathe for me. I managed to choke out her address while I was medicating myself with my puffer. The driver asked me countless time if I wanted to go in the hospital; I just ignored him and told him to go faster, unable to function normally in the state I was in. The only thing I could focus on was Tegan. I shouldn't have left her last night, maybe she was in trouble. I should have known. After what seemed like forever to me, the cab stopped in front of my sister's house. I gave the money with a sweaty and uncontrollably shaky hand to the driver before getting out and running to her door. After painfully long seconds of frantic pounding on the wooden material, my brain allowed me to remember the spare key she gave to me. I called out my twin's name as I stormed in. Silence. That's all I could hear.

"Tegan?" I said again as I looked over to the living room. Nothing had moved since last night; the beers on the coffee table, the rest of the Chinese food we ate were still on the dining table. "Tee?" I almost whispered as I climbed up the stairs. At that point I was horrified. It was _too_ quiet. I headed straight and as fast as my trembling legs could to the only closed door in the hallway; her bedroom. I held my breath as I opened the door. The room was empty. It didn't look like she had sleep in there, the bed was made. My sister would never make her bed in the morning. I was starting to freak out as the seconds passed, then I heard a sob coming from the bathroom.

"Tegan?" I called out as I hurried to the bathroom. The door was locked. I could clearly hear her cry. "Tee…it's me. Open the door." I demanded in a soft voice. The other side of the door stayed silent, except for the crying. "Tegan…Babe, please." I pleaded, not knowing what else to do.

"Go away!" I heard her say through her sobs. That statement made my heart ache. I sighed and let my body slide against the barrier that was holding me back from Tegan. I took a few minutes to calm down as the tears streamed down my face. Maybe she wasn't feeling good but at least she was safe. I wasn't planning on going anywhere though, not when she was crying in a locked room. I couldn't leave her like that, even if she didn't want me there. I needed to know what had happened. When the panic had faded away, I texted Greg, telling him we wouldn't come today. I leaned my head back against the door and closed my eyes.

Hours later, Tegan's crying calmed down. I quickly got to my feet when I heard her move inside. "Tegan, what are you doing? Please…open the door." I said as I knocked incessantly on the door. The more she stayed silent, the more I got frustrated. Knocking soon became pounding. "Tegan," I tried a last time, knowing how stubborn my sister was, "you know I'm not going to leave, open the goddamn door." I said calmly. A few seconds later, the door slowly opened, allowing me to see a Tegan I rarely saw. The sight was heartbreaking. I couldn't stand seeing her like this; she looked like she had been crying for the last six months! I lifted her chin up, revealing her puffy eyes and pulled her in for a hug. "Tell me what happened, babe." I whispered in her neck as I rubbed her back. She started crying again so I pulled away just enough to see her face, locking my eyes on hers as I tried to read in them. They looked exactly the same as the last time I saw them, extinguished. I helped her to the bed and laid on my side next to her, facing her. "Tee…how can I help you?" I asked as I caressed her cheek. She shrugged her shoulders as a response, closing her eyes and exhaling a long shaky breath.

"I don't know, Sar." She whispered after a minute or so of silence.

"Is it… did I-" I trailed off, sighing as tears started to form in the corner of my own eyes, "is it because of m-me?" I managed to ask. I was afraid of her response until she started opening her eyes and shaking her head.

"No…it's no- nothing happened. It's not your fault. I'm just…I don't kno- I don't want you to feel guilty or whatever. I just feel sad but you have nothing to do with it."

"Well, I do…if I can't make you feel hap-" she cut me off, placing her index finger on my lips.

"It's not lik-," she took a breath before continuing, "listen, I love you, okay? But it's not about you and I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Tegan, it has been almost two weeks…what's wrong? Why don't you want to talk to me?" I asked in a pleading tone as I took her hand in both of mine. She looked down at our hands and sighed.

"I don't know…I don't want to. But everything is fine, it'll pass eventually."

"No it's not Tegan. You are not fine," I bit my bottom lip, deciding on whether I should suggest it or not before it slipped from my mouth on its own. After looking at her for a few seconds, I decided that it could actually be a good idea if she took that in consideration, "Tegan, … maybe you should start seeing your therapist again."


	19. Chapter 19

If there's still someone reading this story, I'd like to let you know that this chapter will be the last before a long time I guess. I'm having a major writing block and I don't want to write something just for the sake of it. Also, I'm thinking about ending this story earlier than expected. Let me know what you think!

Thanks to **HesOnlyRadical** for the editing!

Enjoy & Review!

* * *

**Tegan's POV**

I stared absentmindedly at the white ceiling above my bed as I ran my fingers through Sara's hair, thinking about what my therapist said last week. Sara flew in Vancouver two days ago, even if I could have used some time alone, I'm still grateful for her presence. She helped me keep my mind out of certain thoughts, it was hard though; she would always ask me tons of questions but I could hardly blame her for that, it only meant that she _cared. _She loved me enough to care; I wasn't alone anymore. Since the recording process was done, I had nothing to do, which gave me a lot of time to get lost in my thoughts… We still had to name the record; we used this as a reason as to why Sara was staying at my place. People started to find it suspicious that we were spending so much time together, especially my mom.

"What time is your appointment tomorrow?" She asked in a sleepy voice. She chuckled a little when I jumped at the sound of her voice; I thought she was asleep already.

"Um," I cleared my throat nervously, "I'm not gonna go." I said, barely audible. It always amazed me how Sara had the power to make me feel nervous.

"Why not?" She questioned as she started to turn around to face me. _Here we go again, psycho analyzer is back. _She turned the lamp on and I sighed as I tried to adjust to the brightness.

"I don't want to, Sara. And I don't want to talk about that." I stated firmly as I locked my eyes on her tired ones.

"Tegan," she sighed exasperatingly while she shook her head, "you never want to talk about that, you never want to talk about anything!" I bit my bottom lip, knowing full well that she was right even if I didn't want to admit it out loud. But if there's something I've learned over the years, it would be that it was pointless to start an argument with Sara, let alone if she was right. She would always have the last word. I took a moment to think of a response that would please her. I couldn't tell her the truth. I couldn't tell her what my therapist thought about these mental breakdowns I've had lately.

_I nervously bit my nails, waiting as I listen to the irritating tic-toc sounds of the clock. It always makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable to come here. I always feel like I have to prove something when I'm here, surrounded by those white walls. I feel like I need to show her that I'm a good person, that I'm fine and totally healthy. The thing is, she knows that I'm not. She knows too much too believe in such lies. She knows that I'm falling apart. The office's door opened and she stepped outside._

_"Tegan?" she says with a forced smile. I nod and stand up, shaking her hand before she invites me to come inside her office. She motions for me to sit and I obey with a smile, a forced one as well. She places her notebook in front of her, writes the date and looks up at me. The beginning is always awkward; there's this silence and uneasiness that make it hard to start. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, just to do something and break the eye contact. She smiles again and breaks the silence, in an attempt to make me talk._

_"So, last week we talked about the nightmares and flashbacks you've had recently. Did you have any of those this week?" She asked as her eyes find mine again. I nod and look down at my hands, playing with my cuticles. It is way easier when I don't have to look at her, that way I can pretend that I'm not even here. I can fool myself enough to make me feel like I'm in my own bubble, that no one is judging me._

_"Yeah, I've had some." I admit quietly. I can see her nod her head and writes something on her notebook. My ears fill with the sound of her pen against her notebook. She sets her pen down and continues._

_"Do you want to talk about it?" _

_"It's always the same stuff." I state blankly, gazing in the void. Again, I can see her nodding and writing down on her notebook in my peripheral vision. I wonder what she's writing down. Is she transcribing everything I'm saying? What if she lose that goddamn notebook?_

_"Do you talk about that with your partner when that happens?" My _partner_, that's how she calls Sara. Of course, she doesn't know it's Sara… I'd probably end up in a mental ward if she knew that. I feel her burning stare on my skin and shake my head. "Don't you think it could be a good idea, Tegan?" I look up at the sound of my name and immediately look back down as I start to answer._

_"No. There's certain things you can't tell to your girlfriend. _That _is one of those." I mumble with my head low._

_"Why? How do you think your partner would react?" She asks, crossing her arms on her chest._

_"I don't know but she already knows what happened. She just doesn't know that it's been on my mind lately." She nods her head and grabs her pen; she starts to write something then abruptly stops._

_"If I remember correctly you did those things that haunt you now, _because of her_, right? Because you wanted to forget her. Is that correct?" I slowly nod my head, trying to figure out where she's trying to go with this. "And you never had nightmares and flashback before?" I shake my head and look up, with a questioning look. "I see that it makes you think," she nods her head incessantly, "what conclusion can you make with that?" She asks as she makes big gestures with her hands. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head._

_"I don't know." She nods her head and takes a quick look at her watch._

_"Okay Tegan, I'd like you to think about it for the next Tuesday. From what you've said to me, I can easily make a connection between your actual partner and the nightmares and flashbacks." She says as she entwines her fingers on her desk, waiting for my reaction. When she notices that I won't say anything, she starts nodding again and continues slowly, "I think that your partner is actually _the cause _of the problem. I think that _she _makes the memories come back because _she is the one _who created them."_

I blinked my eyes and saw Sara's worried expression right in front of me.

"You didn't even listen to me, did you?" She asked. After a few seconds of silence, she sighed loudly and I saw her look changed from worry to angry.

"Sar," I started in a pleading tone as I placed my hand on her waist. I didn't want to be pissed off at me.

"Don't." She answered while she shoved my hand away and turned around to face the wall. I moved closer to her and wrapped my arms around her when I heard her sniffle. I hated myself for doing this to her. She deserved better than me, she deserved to be happy.

"I'm sorry Sasa." I apologized as I tenderly placed soft kisses on her neck and cheek.

**Sara's POV**

"Fuck off Tee," I whispered, not moving an inch. I didn't want her to let me go, I just needed her to react "You never talk to me, … and when I try, you don't even bother to listen to me!" I sighed and wiped my tears away with my palm. Tegan caught my hand and entwined our fingers together, kissing the back of my hand.

"I'm sorry, babe" she repeated softly. It was so weird how she could be all romantic and cheesy, always trying to express her love; even in front of our mom, but on the other end, she would never talk to me. We would never tell me when something was bothering her. We haven't had a _real _conversation in a long time. I didn't know why she was acting like that nor what she was trying to prove by saying that everything was okay when it clearly wasn't. This is not what I was expecting from a relationship. She needed to trust me like I trusted her. It couldn't work properly otherwise.

"I don't want you to be sorry; I just want you to talk to me." I said before closing my eyes.


	20. Chapter 20

Sorry for the late update!

Here's the next chapter, edited by **HesOnlyRadical** (Thank you!)

* * *

** Sara's POV**

I watched as Tegan packed her bag for the night, shoving random items in it. I would give anything to join her, to feel her skin against mine and kiss her passionately. Unfortunately, I couldn't. We were on the road again, promoting our upcoming album. I didn't anticipate how hard it would be to pretend that nothing ever happened between us when all I wanted to do was claim my love for her to every single person willing to listen to me. It's only been a week since the tour started and I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed Tegan. I needed to feel her near me. The only times where we would be alone, Tegan wouldn't let me touch her, not even kiss her. She was so stressed out by the idea of getting caught. It was odd to feel Tegan so distant when in reality; we were crowded in a tiny bus together with a dozen million other people.

Hopefully, tonight we'd be staying in a hotel room. When we entered the room, Tegan plopped down on one of the beds with a sigh. I dropped my bag to the floor and joined her on the bed, straddling her waist.

"I missed you." I whispered in her ear before I started to kiss her neck. She wrapped her arms around my middle section and held me tightly for a few minutes before I pulled away. I locked my eyes on hers and slowly leaned in for a kiss. I felt a jolt passed through my body the second our lips connected and my eyes closed on their own accord. Our lips danced slowly together and we took a moment to just savor each other before we started to deepen the kiss. I slid my tongue against her bottom lip, asking for entrance, which she gladly granted. I couldn't control the moans escaping my mouth when our tongues collided together. It's been so long. She grabbed my neck with one hand, keeping me in place and started to take my jacket off with the other, not once breaking the kiss. It was so intense. I could feel it everywhere. I gently bit on her bottom lip before I reluctantly pulled away for a much needed breath. My breathing came out ragged, so did hers. She kept her eyes on mine as she went to unbutton my shirt. It landed on the floor without a sound and before I knew it, she was on top of me, between my legs. She rapidly took her own sweater off before she attacked my neck with her lips. My back arched when she pressed her hips down against mine. She reached behind my back and unhooked my bra, throwing it behind her with a smirk.

"You're so beautiful." She whispered, her face suddenly serious as she placed her hand flat on my stomach. I felt it inching closer to my chest, stopping between my breasts. She leaned down and placed kisses on my chest, not letting one inch go untouched. I gasped when I felt the warmness of her tongue on my nipple; she gently bit and sucked on it before giving the other one the same treatment. I played with her hair while she kissed down my stomach and up to my collarbone. I grabbed her ass and pulled her into me. Her lips found their way back to mine and she started to grind against me. I reached behind her back and tried to unclasp her bra but she grabbed my hands and pinned them above my head. It turned me on even more when she decided to take control. She held my wrists with one hand and unbuttoned my pants with the other. In no time, her fingers were teasing me. "You're so wet, I can feel it through your underwear." She said, her voice was low and barely above a whisper. I bit down on my bottom lip and bucked my hips, trying to get more pressure. I whimpered at the loss of contact when she removed her hand from my pants.

"Tegan, please." I begged. The throbbing between my legs was so hard, it almost hurt. She let go of my wrists and sat up straight on my lap. I cupped her breasts and tugged on her bra, silently asking her to take it off. She shook her head no and started to take my pants off. My underwear quickly followed and soon Tegan was eyeing up and down my bare body. She started to caress my inner thighs, slowly reaching where I needed her the most. She moaned when her fingers came in contact with my wetness. She leaned down and kissed me with so much passion. I couldn't help but moan when she started to rub my clit. My hands found their way to her lower back, I dug my nails into her skin when she entered me with two fingers. I rocked my hips back and forth to meet her thrust and my head fell back on the pillow. "Fuck." I moaned when I felt her fingers curl into me. She thrusted harder and faster. The only sounds filling the room were my moans and our ragged breath along with the sound of her fingers deep inside my wet core. I felt the pressure building in my stomach. I knew I wouldn't last long, I could feel myself inching closer to the edge. "Fuck, babe I'm gonna cum." Tegan quickened her pace with my encouragement and I gasped. She added another finger and two deep thrusts later, I came hard on her hand.  
I could feel myself pouring onto her as I grabbed the sheets in my fists. I bit down on my lip when my orgasm hit me; the taste of blood filling my mouth. Tegan removed her fingers while I came down from my high. I whimpered at the loss and she chuckled. I felt numb for a few seconds before all my senses came back in a rush when I felt Tegan's tongue cleaning me up. Things got carried away and in a matter of minutes, I was orgasming in her mouth. "Holy shit" I said when I came down from my second high. Tegan's lips were on my neck and I could feel her smile against my skin. I turned my face and kissed her, tasting myself on her tongue. We pulled away at the same time, keeping our eyes locked.

"Do you need your puffer?" Tegan joked when she noticed that I was having a hard time catching my breath. I smiled and shook my head.

"No … but I need to feel you." I said as I flipped us around. My hand found its way to Tegan's pants but she stopped me before I had a chance to do anything.

"Wait, wait, wait!" She said in a hurry, grabbing my hand. I looked up at her, confusion written all over my face.

"What's wrong?" I asked as a million thoughts crossed my mind.

"I-I don't know," she answered with a sigh, hiding her face behind her hands, "I'm sorry." She mumbled.

"It's okay Tee … What's on your mind?" I questioned her as I removed her hands from her face. I laid down next to her and placed my hand on her stomach, tracing random figures.

"Lately I've been thinking a lot about, um … of fuck." She trailed off, biting her lip.

"It's okay to tell me Tegan. You can trust me." I said calmly although I was terrified on the inside.

"I know, it's not- I just …" she exhaled a long sigh, turning her face towards me before adding, "the last time I went to see my therapist, we talked about … a lot of things and I just … I don't know." She shrugged her shoulders and turned her face back to the ceiling. I could tell she was nervous and I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by pushing her to tell me something she didn't want to share with me. I knew she was having _one of those_ moments again so I waited patiently, hoping my presence was somewhat comforting."She said things about you and um, … I just keep thinking about that and it's pissing me off because I'm sure she was wrong, ya know?"

"What did she say?" I asked as I caressed her cheek with my thumb.

"Remember how I told you that I had those nightmares?" she asked and I nodded my head. "Well, she said that it's because of you because you're the connector between back then when _it_ happened and now." She turned her head to see my reaction and I tried to keep a blank expression on my face. That was when my world started to fall apart. It all made sense actually. She wasn't like this before. She didn't have nightmares like this before. It all started when we started dating. Maybe she would be better off without me. What if I had to deprive myself from the most beautiful thing in my life in order to make her have a healthy life? What if I had to break Tegan's heart in order to make her heal her old wounds? What if I had to separate myself from the part of me that keeps me alive in order to make _her _live? What if I had to sacrifice myself for Tegan? All these thoughts came rushing into my mind and the thing that scared me the most was that all these interrogations had the same answer. I would. I would drown myself to keep Tegan's head out of the water. I would give up on my life to make her feel better. I would in a heartbeat. I just needed to know if I _had_ to.

"What do _you _think about that?" I finally asked.

"I don't know." She replied simply, having no idea of the bomb she just had dropped.


	21. Chapter 21

Thanks to **HesOnlyRadical** for the editing!

Enjoy & Review!

* * *

**Sara's POV**

I bowed to the hysterical crowd of fans in front of me, faking a smile of satisfaction and hurried off stage. I fastened my pace when I spotted the exit; soon my hands were on the cold metal of the barrier separating me from the air I needed. The cold breeze giving me the relief I desperately craved, I started walking, blocking out all the sounds coming from the streets of Seattle. I took random turns, trying to run away from everything. I couldn't think straight, I needed to escape. I absentmindedly led myself to a barely illuminated alley where I finally stopped. This dark alley seemed to be the perfect place for someone of a pixie's size to get stabbed and left to bleed but I couldn't care less; my nerves have had the better of me. I leaned my exhausted body against the wall and focused on my breathing for a couple of seconds.

My phone rang in my pocket; I reached for it and stared at the screen. _Incoming call from Tegan. _I waited until it stopped ringing then turned my phone off. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Especially to Tegan, I didn't want her to confront me. I didn't want to explain her why I've been distant in the past couple of days. I wanted to find a way to make her feel better, I needed to find a cure but I couldn't find another one that keeps the poison away from her … and I was the poison. She sold her body to forget me and now I was always around to remind her every detail of it. I'd kept turning the knife in the wound every time I'd touch her. What did she see every time she looked into my eyes, those eyes she desperately wanted to erase from her memory a few years back?

It couldn't go on, I had to stop this. She needed me to do it.

**Tegan's POV**

I angrily tossed my phone at the wall across from me and it landed in pieces in front of me. Jasper stared at me with a surprised look, which only pissed me off even more.

"What are you looking at?" I mumbled before storming out of the room. I couldn't just stand there and do nothing. I had to find her. It had been almost an hour since the end of the show and no one had seen her. It was so unusual of her to just disappear. I needed to find her. I walked in the hall of the backstage area, sending angry looks at everyone looking at me. They were just packing. They were just packing the fucking gear instead of looking for Sara. _I should fire them all!_ I thought as I headed towards the exit of the venue. I was greeted by hysterical screams coming from the fans still waiting around the venue. I ignored them and kept walking along the security gates. They were fans everywhere. A million thoughts rushed through my mind as I looked over the sea of people cheering, taking pictures and waving at me. I turned the corner and started running. What if she had been kidnapped by some crazy fans? What if she had an asthma attack somewhere out there? What if she had been attacked by a maniac in this foreign city? I didn't know where I was going; I kept running until someone grabbed me by behind. Without thinking and with the hastiness of finding Sara, I instinctively punched my assaulter in the face as I turned around. I watched in horror as Ted kneeled in front of me, wincing in pain as he tried to soothe his bleeding nose. "Fuck! I'm sorry! I thought you we-"

"It's okay, I'm fine." He said as he stood up, pulling out a tissue from his pocket and pressing it against his injured nose

"Jasper told me you left so I came to bring you back inside, you shouldn't be out right now."

"Sara's out there…" I said in a whisper, feeling my throat tightened up. Sensing the desperation in my voice, Ted pulled me in for a hug and I instantly started to cry in his arms.

"I know … I'm sure she's fine." He tried to reassure me as he drew small circles on my back. I could feel his blood soaking my shirt while I was crying. I couldn't stop myself, I was falling apart. I needed Sara.

Eventually the sound of Ted's phone pulled us apart. He quickly read his text and exhaled a sigh of relief. John texted him, telling him he had just saw Sara getting on the bus. We hurried to the parking lot where the bus was parked, once again ignoring the fans waiting behind the security gates. Ted went back to the venue to take care of his nose I'd probably broken and I stormed into the bus. I found Sara sitting on her bunk, head in the hands. Out of fear, I lost it. I started screaming at her, yelling a billion of questions. She looked up and I gasped at the sight of her puffy eyes.

"Sara, what happened? Why were you crying?" I asked breathless as I kneeled in front of her. She looked away from me and I knew she was going to lie. She always had been a bad liar.

"Nothing, I just … I'm fine." A shaky breath escaped her lips when she finished lying and she covered her eyes, trying to avoid my gaze.

"Babe, please tell me … Did somebody hurt you?" I said in a whisper, taking her hands in mine.

"No, I just …" She trailed off and started to remove her hands from mine before standing up. She leaned against the door, crossing her arms over her chest as a shiver traveled through her small frame. "We need to talk." She stated. I gulped loudly and stood up as well. Nothing good could come out of a conversation that started like this.

"S-sure. What about?" I asked even though I knew very well what she would answer.

"Us." She said, looking down to her feet. I felt my heartbeat fastened as I thought about the last few days. Nothing went wrong. We were both stressed out by the tour and all but we were doing fine.

"What do you mean?" I kept looking at her, searching in her eyes for anything that could help me understand.

"I-I-I … I can't do this anymore … This relationship … You'll be better off without me." She bit her lips as her eyes started to fill with tears, "I'm sorry." She didn't leave me any choice before she left. I didn't even have time to process what she'd just said before she was out of sight. My brain took in the information and I felt my knees go weak; I collapsed to the floor and I started to sob hysterically. Tears streamed down my face, my body shook violently, I couldn't control anything. I couldn't feel anything but the incredible loss deep inside of me. She'd created a hole inside of my chest. The kind of hole that burns everything around until nothing's left beside emptiness. _You'll be better off without me_.


	22. Chapter 22

I don't know when I'll start writing the next chapter; I'm actually working on my other story so … wait and see. Meanwhile, I'd like to say a special thanks to **HesOnlyRadical**!

Enjoy & Review

* * *

**Sara's POV**

Hardhearted, I echoed Tegan's words into the microphone, each one even more painful than the previous one. She was singing it with so much emotion; it was hard to ignore it. I couldn't do anything but pent up all of my feelings and put on a poker face. I didn't have the right to break down.

"… _Look me in the heart and tell me that you won't go. Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love,_ …" Every word she sang, I sang it back to her. Every word she spoke felt like a needle jabbed right in my heart. I was devoid from any form of oxygen. It was the only way to make her heal but I was bleeding out on the inside. And those scars would never heal. I briefly looked over to my right; Tegan was strumming her guitar with rage, eyes closed and head thrown back while her voice cracked a little bit. She was trying hard not to cry, I could feel it.

"_How do you live so happily while I'm sad and broken down_? …" I turned back to the audience, the contrast was breathtaking. I closed my eyes as I felt them starting to fill with tears. That song would always have a different feeling to me now; it would never be the same again. It had hit me too deeply. Every time I would have to play it would be an emotional torture. "_Where does the good go? Where does the go?" _Our voices echoed in harmony into the theatre through the speakers as we both stepped back from our respective microphones. Tegan took a breath getting back in front of her microphone while I kept playing the bass line. I knew what was coming next; I looked over at her silently begging her to not do it. I couldn't blame her when she asked the audience to stab my heart along with her

"Alright … this is the part of the song where I want you in the audience to visualize with me, …" Tegan said to the crowd, her lips quivering a little, "I want you to visualize that person who broke your heart," she quickly looked over at me, piercing holes in my already torn apart soul with her eyes, "and I want you to close your eyes and let it all out!" She said through her teeth, on the verge of tears, "I want you to scream at the top of your fucking lungs, really give it in! Okay? I want you to think about that moment when you got your little heart broken and I want you to imagine that person who…" The audience cheered loudly and Tegan got the approval she needed. "You're gonna sing it, and it's gonna heal you … Do you have someone in mind?" She nodded when she got answers. "Me too." She briefly looked at me, making sure I got the message before starting everyone up.

"_Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive…._" In unison, thousands of people sang the soundtrack to my downfall, and I sang along with them, taking in every painful word. "Sing it!" Tegan screamed into her mic, making everyone sing louder. I sang along and I would do it again; if she said it would heal her.

Horribly slowly, the song ended and I had to gather myself up. I tried to avoid the banter but Tegan decided she wouldn't let me go so easily. When someone started shouting questions about Ted's bandaged nose, I ignored them and kept tuning my guitar but Tegan, … Tegan kept plunging the knife in the wound.

"Oh, you want to know what happened to Ted's nose?" She laughed a little, probably thinking about what she was going to say "Well, it's Sara's fault." She said while looking straight at me. I didn't say anything; I didn't even try to defend myself. I would let her do anything in order to make her feel better. "Sara found a new passion lately, she um… she loves to break things now, with no reason … like nose and h-um, ya know?" She chuckled nervously, looking over at the audience of adoring fans laughing along with her, having no idea what they were laughing about.

I kept hiding my feelings as best as I could during the show until they were forced out of me. I looked down at my setlist and wished that we had changed it. We didn't. We let the new songs on it. One of them I'd written when Tegan left me and ignored me for a few months. I didn't know if I would be able to get through it without falling apart. John started playing the beginning of the melody and I closed my eyes. I tried my best to detach from the song. There was no runaway. I had to do it. I took a deep breath and jumped in the ocean of emotions I knew was waiting for me.

"_Stay … you'll leave me in the morning anyway_." I could feel each pair of eyes on me. I didn't have the right to break down; I just had to hope that my walls were strong enough. I just had a few minutes to last. It was a sweet torture, taking down my walls, brick by brick until there were no more left. I could feel myself drowning in my own feelings, I tried to fight back and keep my head up. I really tried but Tegan made my tears break free and I couldn't control anything. My lips were quivering and my voice shaking as I sang the last part of the song. I let my tears fall freely, showing my weakness to the world. I heard a few people gasped and flashes from cameras passed through my eyelids.

"Go!" I screamed into microphone. I needed to make her go; it was for her own sake.

"Please, stay!" Tegan screamed after me, making my heart break a little bit more.

"Go!" I screamed even more loudly as the tears kept pouring from my eyes.

"Please, stay!" Tegan begged again, her voice cracking a little bit.

"Go if you want, I can't stop you." I opened my eyes, scanning over the audience before looking at Tegan. She was crying, too. My heart ached. I wanted to comfort her so bad. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. But sometimes, when you love someone, you have to make them go.

"You go if you want to." Her eyes were closed and she held onto her microphone like the world would stop running if she ever let go. She shook her head, disagreeing with the lyrics I had wrote for her in the first place.

"Go if you want, I can't stop you." We both look into each other's eyes as we sang the last line. I nodded my head in her direction; she had it right, she couldn't make me stay.

The crowd exploded as the last note rang through the speaker; they screamed, cheered and clapped above their head. I couldn't care less what people would conclude out of this. I turned around and wiped my tears away before turning back to the audience. Some of them were crying too.

I had to wait a few minutes before the audience started to calm down a bit so they could hear me whimpering above the cheers "Thank you."


	23. Chapter 23

Long wait, I know, I'm sorry. I thought that this chapter had been posted a while ago, I guess I forgot :/

Thank you to **HesOnlyRadical **for editing the first part.

Anyway, here it is …

Enjoy & Review!

* * *

**Tegan's POV**

I brought my knees closer to my chest feeling my heart break with every sound she made. She was sobbing hysterically on the other side of the door, and was oblivious to my presence. She thought she was alone, in the sanctuary of her apartment in Montreal. It wasn't the first I heard her crying in the last few weeks; and every time I just wanted to comfort her but she wouldn't let me, she kept pushing me away, like she used to when we were teens. This time I waited; I listened to her while I felt my own tears running freely down my cheeks. Every second was pure torture.

Eventually she came out of her bathroom and slightly jumped when she glanced in my direction and saw me sitting on her bed.

"H-how d-d-did you get in here?" She asked surprised as she wiped the remains of her tears away with the sleeve of her two sizes too big t-shirt. She wasn't wearing anything much, only a t-shirt and some underwear. I looked away from her bare legs and held my set of keys in front of my face. It seemed like she had forgotten she gave them to me. She let out a shaky breath before walking towards her closet. "W-what do you want?" She asked as she slid on a pair of sweat pants. For a moment, I had hoped she wouldn't hide her skin from me; it had been so long…

"Well," I started, clearing my throat, "since we have a couple of hours left before soundcheck, I thought we could talk." I said looking down at my hands. I was so desperate but there was still a glimmer of hope deep inside of me.

"There's nothing to talk about, Tegan." Her voice trailed off a bit at the end. Her lips were quivering and I could see that she was on the verge of tears again.

"I just want to know why…" It has been weeks since she broke up with me and I knew that she was hiding something; I could feel it. She wasn't being honest and it was obvious that she wasn't happy with the way things had gone.

"I already told you." She whispered softly before biting down on her bottom lip as her tears broke free. "C-can you just go? Please?" She hated it when she was crying in front of people; she always wanted to play the tough guy but she was very sensitive. Even if it was tearing me apart, I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable; I left.

**Sara's POV**

I looked over at the clock and sighed; it was time to go. I swallowed the last sip from my glass of Scotch and headed to the venue we were playing at. Lately I had resumed some bad habits, alcohol was one of them; it helped me to bear up these days since the sun didn't shine here anymore. I was barely holding on; every night I tried to put my feelings away, I smiled every time I was supposed to, I told everyone asking that I was okay, just a bit tired…but inside I was dying. And it was killing me to know that I wasn't the only one drowning.

I locked the door of my apartment and climbed down the stairs feeling a little bit tipsy. Winters in Montreal were really rough but I usually liked it. It was good to be home and I wished I could just stay locked in my apartment… instead, I should freeze my ass off and brave the snow only to stand in front of thousands people while trying not to break down. _Fuck my life._

I sat in the dressing room, waiting for the soundcheck. I had put my poker face on; no one knew what I was going through inside… not even Tegan. I couldn't tell her, she would try to find a solution even though there wasn't any. I was doing it for her, I wanted her to feel better. Every second passed around her was a battle; I had to fight against the urge to run into the safety of her arms or the need to press my lips against hers every time she would look at me. It was tiring, it required a lot of focus and energy and I didn't know how much I had left.

I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, cutting my train of thought. I reached for it and read the text message from Tegan. _Can we talk? _I looked up at her and she was staring back at me, eyes full of hope. It made my heart break. _After the show _I typed out my reply before putting my phone back into my pocket. I wasn't ready to confront her yet but I guessed that I owed her that… at least.

The soundcheck went smoothly and soon enough we were back in the dressing room waiting for the interviewer to arrive. We were alone in the room and I felt uncomfortable, it felt like an eternity before the interviewer finally showed up. We stood up and politely shook hands to greet her.

I noticed that she wouldn't hold the eye contact for too long with neither of us, she wasn't at ease. I kept my talking to a minimum, only responding her questions when they were directly asked at me and selfishly let Tegan take care of the interview. My ears perked up again at the sound of my name. "So, Sara … the performance of one of the new song, _Now I'm All Messed Up_, was quite emotional last night …" I chuckled nervously, trying to buy time to come up with an excuse

"Yeah, you know… sometimes it is hard to stay emotionally distant from a song when the wounds are still fresh. I mean, I remember when I wrote this song it was a really hard time for me and I felt really depressed and lonely and whatever. And Tegan," I quickly glanced over at her, silently asking her to play the game along with me "has been really supportive of during that time and I think that, in some way, it has affected her, too." I finished with a fake smile, satisfied with my answer

"Does it have anything to do with the video?" she asked as she looked back and forth between us

"What video?" I asked back, completely clueless

"Well, you know, the _video_" she insisted "or was that a marketing decision contemplating the release of you new record?" I looked at Tegan, who seemed as lost as I was before answering

"I-I don't know what you mean ... I don't know what you're talking about. What video are you're talking about?" I said, shifting uncomfortably in my seat

"The video on YouTube, that came out last night. Your sextape" she said excitedly and my eyes grew wide in shock

"Is this a joke?" I asked unsure of myself, hoping that Tegan would jump in the conversation and save me. She didn't budge, but a knock on the door followed by a voice telling us that we we're running late interrupted this awkward conversation. When the interviewer left, we stood still until Tegan broke the silence.

"Care to explain yourself?" she said somewhat angrily

"I truly don't know what she was talking about. You know I would never do something like that!" I defended myself, as confused as ever. Eventually, it was time to go on stage and I didn't have the time to check that YouTube video and decided to shrug it off for the time being. I had already enough shit to deal with.

When we came up on stage, the crowd was extremely hysterical. I stood awkwardly while Tegan was getting her guitar and scanned the audience to busy myself. There was a familiar face in the front row, a cute brunette, probably in her mid twenties with a mischievous smile plastered on her face as we briefly held eye contact. I couldn't quite remember if I knew her but I definitely knew that I had already seen that face somewhere. The melody of _I'm Not Your Hero_ began and we started the evening off.

Almost halfway through the set, I looked over at Tegan, who was apparently having some technical difficulties before stepping a step over to my microphone. "You guys are great; we're so excited to be here!" I said the first thing that came up in my mind to keep the audience entertained. I got a wild response and glanced down at my setlist, seeing _So Jealous_ was the next one, I started talking again. "So, um … the next song I wrote when I-" I was interrupted by someone shouting very clearly _Sara, you're hot!_ I ignored it and kept going "the next song I wrote when I first moved to Montreal and um, I-" another shouting cut me off and I stepped back of the mic a bit, looking over at Tegan, noticed that she and our tech guy were still struggling with her equipment. "You are a very wild crowd tonight" I laughed nervously, knowing that all eyes were on me now "Anyway, when I first move to Montreal I wrote a couple of so-" I was again interrupted by a someone shouting and it was starting to irritate me "Can we have the house's lights up a bit?" I asked and the crowd grew even louder. When the lights were on, I briefly scanned the audience and grabbed my mic stand before speaking "Okay so, why do you keep screaming at me? What do you need?" I asked, but didn't really listen for the answers "When I tell a story and people keep screaming at me, I feel like _I _am the annoying one" I chuckled nervously again. I felt awkward standing there without an instrument to busy myself with, but this was my job. I couldn't just stand in the shadows and let Tegan entertain the audience while having technical difficulties. _Fuck me, Sara! _Someone in the back yelled and I felt myself starting to get angry. I hated it when people were rude at our shows; it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. "Oh wow!" I exclaimed "Who just yelled that? Raise your hand" I located the girl who yelled and took a deep breath, trying to keep my calm "Hi, young lady, um, you are very rude" I said and the crowd laughed. _You have to buy her a drink first! _Someone advised and the laughter kept going "Okay, okay … calm down a little bit. It's like you're all on meth and ac-" _I loved the strap-on part!_ The audience erupted in cheers and I furrowed my browns in confusion, taking a step back.

"Okay wait," I heard Tegan say firmly into her microphone and I exhaled a long breath, silently thanking her "obviously you're all very excited to be here," she waited a little bit that the clapping died down before continuing "but, here's the thing: we're shy and awkward and when you're screaming like that we feel uncomfortable and so we might just wanna wrap it up a bit." She said in a joking tone but I knew that she deadly serious. The crowd booed loudly and Tegan kept going "I know, I know … it's really sad. But it's up to you" she finished, glancing over at me with a look that I couldn't read. I turned to the band and gave them a nod to start the song. Right before it started, someone shouted _You weren't shy in the video!_ I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to focus on the song, even though I just wanted to see that goddamn video.


End file.
